Brush It Off

 Everyday is a struggle and I've been fucking up. I'm a loser and very undisciplined. I tell myself to do something and when shit hits the fan I just revert to my old ways.  I am lying to myself.

What the fuck am I really doing? 
Do I really want to fuck up on the only thing that I might be descent at?
Am I fucking around too much?
Should I go back to school and try being like everyone else?
Am I really improving?

Asking these questions really hurts because I truly want to make it. However, I'm holding myself back from achieving what I want to achieve. I need to ask myself if I am serious because it doesn't feel like it at this point. I find myself joking around and having a grand old time and I am sick of it. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

Just thinking about it has brought a wave of negativity around me. I get fucking voices in my head screaming at me.

"You can't do it"
"Fuck you"
"You are dead"

I just gotta brush it off. To get what I want, I have to stop thinking about all the bullshit and focus. I must stay calm. I must figure out what I am doing wrong and fix it. I need to stop fucking around and actually get with the program. All this negative thinking is what is causing the problem. It is a distraction from what is important. I need to know about the problem, fix the problem, and move on as fast as possible.

In order to solve my problem, I need to do things the right way. There are many ways to solve a problem and some ways take longer than others. I must find the best and fastest way if I am going to make it.

Simple as that.

I Am Not Important

I have never heard a person say the words "You are not important" to me until a friend of mine told me it when I was still in Asia. He said it with a serious tone and it was a reply to one of my comments. I was a new person in the group and I guess I tried to run the show by trying to get the group together to find out what to do. When I did this, a friend told me to "Shut Up" and added "You aren't important!" I quickly moved back into the crowd while he started to take my place in directing the others. When he used that phrase, I was hurt inside as I tried my best to fit in one group but found out that I was not going to. I also realized that it might have been too late since it was towards the end of my stay in Asia. 

So I just kept thinking about what my friend said to me. The term of not being important stuck to me. The phrase itself reminded me of Rambo: First Blood Part 2 when on the boat, Rambo told the chick that he was expendable. Like a friend inviting you to a party and nobody cares if you go or not. It is a really sad feeling and nobody really likes to be in that kind of position. Well I was placed in the same position and I am still in that position now. I am pretty much a fool I guess and nobody really cares about me at all. I will never be invited to a party at all and will only be invited out of pity. 

This is what I say to all this.... "Aww, Fuck Them All"

Who cares if you are the person in the group that gets left behind. I was invited to go to the mall with some friends and then at the end I was ditched by them because apparently they forgot  that I was even with them. These are NOT friends, they are enemies. At first I was sad but then after saying "Fuck It." I made the most out of it and just looked around the place myself. I should have met up with some random people but now I know how to. I will probably write more about importance later but my take on it is this...

It only makes a person stronger if they are ignored by their friends. Sure, you might be sad, but what will make your friends change? NOTHING AT ALL, they will continue ignoring you and you will always be expendable. I say get more reliable people and think professionally on what will benefit YOU the most. "FUCK THE OTHERS!"

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