Brush It Off

 Everyday is a struggle and I've been fucking up. I'm a loser and very undisciplined. I tell myself to do something and when shit hits the fan I just revert to my old ways.  I am lying to myself.

What the fuck am I really doing? 
Do I really want to fuck up on the only thing that I might be descent at?
Am I fucking around too much?
Should I go back to school and try being like everyone else?
Am I really improving?

Asking these questions really hurts because I truly want to make it. However, I'm holding myself back from achieving what I want to achieve. I need to ask myself if I am serious because it doesn't feel like it at this point. I find myself joking around and having a grand old time and I am sick of it. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

Just thinking about it has brought a wave of negativity around me. I get fucking voices in my head screaming at me.

"You can't do it"
"Fuck you"
"You are dead"

I just gotta brush it off. To get what I want, I have to stop thinking about all the bullshit and focus. I must stay calm. I must figure out what I am doing wrong and fix it. I need to stop fucking around and actually get with the program. All this negative thinking is what is causing the problem. It is a distraction from what is important. I need to know about the problem, fix the problem, and move on as fast as possible.

In order to solve my problem, I need to do things the right way. There are many ways to solve a problem and some ways take longer than others. I must find the best and fastest way if I am going to make it.

Simple as that.

Lost

There are so many things that I want to be good at, but I am beginning to understand that I cannot master everything. I tried to follow my plan of being solid at my favorite activities but realize that I will lose those skills if I stop practicing. I spend every day diversifying my time and energy on different things which puts me out of focus. There are only so many hours in a day and I cannot be juggling 5 different things at once. It is not efficient and will not make me good. Most of the activities I like are also location dependent meaning I can only do them if I have access to those practice facilities. Once I move to a different location, I no longer have the facilities to continue practicing. I must find a constant for all these activities if I am to succeed. Over the weeks, it seems I am at a loss of what I really want to do.

I have a drive to be the best at something, but I can't pinpoint what exactly. It seems like my mind is guiding me to things that are very risky. For this reason, I don't want to dive too deep to realize that I am actually no good. I think the answer is to keep doing what I like and whatever I don't stop doing is the thing I really want to do. It will come to the process of natural selection in my mind. Whatever thing I do the most is the thing I really care for. The things I stop doing are the things I don't really care about. I think this is an approach I must take to move forward. It may be the only way to pick a few instead of all.

I don't want to waste anymore time and energy on things I am not serious about. I must keep on pushing forward because if I stop, it will be over. It's my only choice because anything else will lead to failure. I want to be the best. I suggest anyone in the same boat to do the same. Keep pushing!

Too Much To Do

There are so many things to master. 

But, how can I master them all? 

The answer is you cannot.  

There is a time in life when one must choose a skill to master. Some may never encounter this time, because they miss it or disregard it. However, I have realized that now is my time to make a decision. In the past, I would delay this decision like an an idiot, but now that I am older, I have to force myself to do it. Kind of sad because it seems that many don't take the opportunity to take advantage. Since I am still relatively young, I have a few options left open for me. One of them is where I can be great at a skill and another is where I become decent at everything. However, I am in strong belief that the latter option comes with a price. 

And that price is, I would become the: Jack of all trades, but master of none.

Now I know I am too late to be a master. Not everyone can be Kobe Bryant or Bruce Lee. But, I do realize that I can still be very good. I am constricted by time because the clock is constantly ticking. Every second I am not honing my skills is wasted. Every second I try focus on new things is wasted. However, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try new things. It just means that I shouldn't waste too much time on it, if I am not serious. For me, I have already wasted years by doing nothing. 

So the question becomes if I want to be a master of one trade or nothing? 

I don't like the notion of becoming a master of just one trade. This is very limiting and doesn't help one see further. I believe in the fundamentals. Mastering the fundamentals is the key to mastering a skill because a good foundation is the key to any good house. So every time I learn a new subject, I go to the basics.

So I made a plan. 

My goal is to be fundamentally strong at the things I like. Not necessarily the best, but respectable. I might not be able to master them, but I won't give up without a fight. This is the number one problem with people who want to get ahead. They give up too quickly. I have three enemies, time, myself, and distractions. Since time is my biggest enemy, I will have to fight against it. After this post, I will only focus on the things that will help me achieve my goals. To prove that I can be good at everything without sacrificing another skill. 

It will be hard, but I cannot give up.

I encourage all of you reading to stop wasting time and do the things you want to do. Never stop trying! If you do, then you will never make it. 

Nothing to Lose

I think I have hit a point in life where it seems I have nothing left. As I sit in this empty room, I feel like I only have one last move to make before everything is over. I must stay strong though, because I believe this has happened once before in my life. I have been reading my past posts and it shows me what has happened before. It is a guide for me to continue on and to move forward. I don't know how far I can go, but it has to be better than now. It looks like I have to revert back to my old ways and start focusing on what is right. I am nobody's friend and nobody is my friend.

I am alone and only have comrades to count on. I feel like it's really time to start from square one again. But this time, I must do something different, something drastic. This time, I must make real friends and meet real special people who I can care about. I must forget about the past to continue on living the present to move into the future.

Maybe then, I can truly move on.

Back to work

Finished with my bullshit mini-break and back on track. I am already a bit behind and need to catch up. Need to get a job soon and need to work on more important things. My life is already a mess and another year isn't really going to help since it is the last useless year of this institute. I have taken the advice that I was given to heart so I will keep working on that. I have received more information about the future and will stride towards those ideas. Things could either go up or down right now, so I have to start focusing. More info to come soon. Need to get an idea on how everything feels like again.

I haven't kept my part of the deal so I was thinking of maybe trashing the whole blog thing. I will consider that idea since it was never a good idea in the first place. Things should be different now so everything will be taken under careful consideration.