Breathe

Shot by Charlie V. Antonio

I've been breathing my entire life, but I just realized how much I suck at it. Even as I type, my tense neck and shoulders keep my breaths weak and shallow. I feel like it's a bad habit leaving me dazed most of the time. When I do take a complete breath, I feel my body reawaken; but it's only temporary as my weak and shallow breaths take over quickly afterwards.

I don't really know how my breathing affects my performance, but I do know it's 2018. As the clock ticks forward, life only gets stranger. I don't know if this is just a phase that everyone goes through, but I can only imagine the emptiness that awaits. One reason for this is I may have given up on a "supposed" joy in life because it's my weakness. I learned that it may be impossible to overcome and figured it was pointless to really try because it didn't really make me happy. With the path I'm taking, I am not sure when I can really be happy. This is because my path seems to be a very difficult one that nobody recommends. Or maybe my path is simple, and I'm just terrible at it. I'm just not so sure anymore.

Writing here has been tough for me, because most of the time I don't know what to write about. My shortness of breath keeps me in a daze and probably forces me to sleep when I don't have to. Everyone is almost gone now and all I can think about is the inevitable. 

Why am I so fucked?

 I am going to force myself to take full breaths from now on and I suggest that you do the same.

Nothing Improves with Time

I don't know if it's just me. But as time goes on, I feel like slowly drift into the never ending abyss. Like I said in my last post, I have lost someone special. After learning this, it feels like something died within me and nothing will be the same. Again, I think this is my fault, but I had my own reasoning. Whether the reasoning makes sense or not is a different story. However, I just hope my original plan works, but if it doesn't, there doesn't seem like anything for me here. I learned a great deal from this and that is to spend every moment you can with that one special person in your life. Time goes by fast and every moment counts. I had an idea of that, but I never really took the part seriously.

I also thought that I was prepared for this very thing, but I guess I wasn't. I put in a lot of preparation, but at the end, it was all useless. Maybe because this special person was made for me. Now I just have to wait and be patient. There is nothing else I can do since I was the one who insisted on my crazy idea. I really hope my plan works. If not, then I guess it's over.

I am at a low place right now. As of now, time is doing nothing to heal me. Maybe the special someone was the one and I blew away my opportunity. I know nothing and I failed for the last time. Maybe it's time for me to call it quits.