I am Dead

It's almost the end of December and I haven't written a single word. No "Merry Christmas," no "Happy New Year," nothing. It's because I stayed busy, or I ran out of things to say. Either way I'm beginning to become an actions speaks louder than words kind of guy. I've stayed silent with my activities because anything I say doesn't mean shit until I succeed. I feel disgusted even bringing it up because I haven't accomplished a god damn thing.

I recently came across someone I knew and he said jokingly "I thought you were dead." Not a very nice thing to say, but I don't blame him because he later added "everyone thinks you're dead." It's what I expected for being a recluse for the past three years. I took a risk to walk the path least taken and now the risks have become ever so apparent. In one year, most of my class will have secured their bachelors degree. In one year, some of my class will have secured $100k/year jobs. In one year, my classmates and my parents will start to question my sanity and I will still have nothing to show.

My life is beginning to look more and more depressing, but I have no regrets. It's the risk I've taken to win and there's no looking back. I can only move forward and if I die, I die. But at least I'd die a fool than a sheep.

Bad Day

Everything is at a all time low now. I just made a fatal mistake and these past two days have been dreadful. Even when academics is canceled, I feel that I have no chance of getting anywhere. I read an article about how institutions just advertise so they could get their population for applications up and then reject everyone. I just don't like how they work. I have lost everyone including the people that may have trusted me. I am probably now on my own and have to make my own decisions. I also can not let those decisions fuck up others like I have done today. This is just horrible because everything is going more downhill than ever before. I thought that maybe discipline would help, but I thought wrong.

Now I have to battle to stay awake and this blog has been a failure. Many people may think that if this blog is a failure, then I should close it. I still have 1% faith left that somehow this blog will rise from the grave based on the results. Feb is not a good month and I have to say that January was better. Things are just terrible and I have to fix it somehow. I made people trust me and now I might just break the trust between those people. Not only that, but nobody seems to care. People have turned into animals and how it is survival of the fittest.  People are in groups and I am still independent. This has left me no choice, but to maybe join something.

Committing into death may be the best solution for me now. I don't see myself moving forward anymore, only backwards as others move on. I am constantly being dragged down and seeing how things do not move as I want it to move just brings me down. I don't feel like posting or doing anything anymore because whatever I do is just worthless. Nobody really cares about anything. I guess I am just wasting my time doing it for myself. I am always good at wasting time. I wish things were better. 

Now I may be thinking to shut it all down or just drag on until everything dies by itself.