I am Dead

It's almost the end of December and I haven't written a single word. No "Merry Christmas," no "Happy New Year," nothing. It's because I stayed busy, or I ran out of things to say. Either way I'm beginning to become an actions speaks louder than words kind of guy. I've stayed silent with my activities because anything I say doesn't mean shit until I succeed. I feel disgusted even bringing it up because I haven't accomplished a god damn thing.

I recently came across someone I knew and he said jokingly "I thought you were dead." Not a very nice thing to say, but I don't blame him because he later added "everyone thinks you're dead." It's what I expected for being a recluse for the past three years. I took a risk to walk the path least taken and now the risks have become ever so apparent. In one year, most of my class will have secured their bachelors degree. In one year, some of my class will have secured $100k/year jobs. In one year, my classmates and my parents will start to question my sanity and I will still have nothing to show.

My life is beginning to look more and more depressing, but I have no regrets. It's the risk I've taken to win and there's no looking back. I can only move forward and if I die, I die. But at least I'd die a fool than a sheep.

Broken Heart

I am really tired and sick of my feelings. It's been killing me in the inside and I don't really know how to use it to my benefit. I really feel like dying. I need to do something about it.

It's time to man up or die.

Damn

I don't know what to do and I do not know what to say. I have fucked up this year. I am not sure how to recover because I see no chance. My life is basically over because of the mistakes I made this year. It was undeniable because my fundamental concepts were weak. I have accomplished nothing but a thousand failures. However, with all these failures, I will hopefully find one success. Everything is a process and the one I have is slow. I will report further, but I have little to say. I do not want to burden you guys with shit that does not make sense. There is no real audience for this anyways so this blog is still solely for myself. I just hoped for someone to follow and see if they could actually benefit from reading. According to results, I do not think that is happening at all.

I can't believe that one year could make a huge difference. Even with two years under my belt, this one year could just screw everything over. There are no second chances. There is only one chance in life unless I get lucky. I know some of you reading may say something like "Fuck You." I agree, I should be not around anymore. I don't deserve this. I deserve nothing... It is over and I am not sure how to explain or do anything. My mind is dead...

Going With The Flow...

This is the second time I messed up a plan. I always think things through before going through something big. However, the first time I did think of the plan and executed, I found out that whatever I planned had completely failed which made my life miserable. I told myself to go with the flow and the next time I actually went with the flow and everything worked out perfectly. I was going to continue this trend, but today, I had a feeling that I should have went with the flow, but then I decided against it and it happened to me again. My plan had completely failed and I feel miserable now.

Whenever you think something horrible is going to happen, you should go through with it because its better than just avoiding it. That happened to me today and it makes me feel so bad because I wasted time. I also think that I lost people's respect. This is horrible because I didn't screw up the second time, but the third time, I just completely went against myself and pretty much didn't learn from my first mistake. So, yea it is better to confront something than avoid it. It makes people learn and move forward.

I have no idea what I just wrote, but I will do a follow-up in a future post regarding this. I make no sense and if you were able to follow me, then wow. My final words for you now is to go with the flow, you never know where the river might take you. I went against it and I drowned to death, tomorrow is going to be a rough day.