I am Dead

It's almost the end of December and I haven't written a single word. No "Merry Christmas," no "Happy New Year," nothing. It's because I stayed busy, or I ran out of things to say. Either way I'm beginning to become an actions speaks louder than words kind of guy. I've stayed silent with my activities because anything I say doesn't mean shit until I succeed. I feel disgusted even bringing it up because I haven't accomplished a god damn thing.

I recently came across someone I knew and he said jokingly "I thought you were dead." Not a very nice thing to say, but I don't blame him because he later added "everyone thinks you're dead." It's what I expected for being a recluse for the past three years. I took a risk to walk the path least taken and now the risks have become ever so apparent. In one year, most of my class will have secured their bachelors degree. In one year, some of my class will have secured $100k/year jobs. In one year, my classmates and my parents will start to question my sanity and I will still have nothing to show.

My life is beginning to look more and more depressing, but I have no regrets. It's the risk I've taken to win and there's no looking back. I can only move forward and if I die, I die. But at least I'd die a fool than a sheep.

Time is Up

Winter is coming...

I have been busy for the past couple of months applying all my concepts and putting them into good use. I have been able to pick myself up and moved forward to a better place. The problem now is that maybe I am burnt out. I have disregarded all my friendships for better results of my academic life. I am not even sure if I could get up to a higher academic institution before getting shot down. I am just hanging on a piece of string with not much time left. I have wasted a lot of time today. I am scared of reverting back into my old self; however, I am scared that my new self might destroy what's left of me.

It is times like these that I make a post here. I already wanted to abandon this project all together, but for some reason, it is a safe haven for me. Even though nobody reads it, I am grateful that it is here. I think my time is almost up and I need to start re-evaluating my worth. I also need to get some new friends or I will always be stuck in the situation I am in now. I shall post more frequently when I have time. Thanks for reading.

Fuck This Day

I have failed to follow my own advice and basically destroyed myself. This advice which I told myself to always have in mind has not really failed me but today was the day I had luck on my side. Today overall is a horrible day for me because it just is. I still have a chance to make it up for whats left of it. I just hate myself now because of the mistake I made. I am not sure how much more failures will come towards my way because I have not learned from my mistakes.

Yesterday was not a good day, even on the special occasion.  My freedoms have been stripped from me and I am constantly tired. The day of the big exam has also failed me dearly causing me to lose my path to a career and job. Why do everything have to be emphasized in test scores and results? That is a question that I want to know. I am sitting here today finding out the worst possibility scenario for myself. I dug myself a hole which I will never dig myself out of.

I hope anyone reading this will take my advice and move past me so here you go...

If you have to go somewhere but did not prepare for what you have to do, just go anyways. Luck is usually on your side and you just lose the cost of one thing to gain many others.  Sorry for my grammar errors on everything, but I am extremely angry and lonely in this world.

Merry Christmas!

Well, it's that time of year again and it looks like I am stranded in a desert. No gifts will be unwrapped by me today, just hard work and dedication could get me through the day. I am going to make this short, as I really am in a desert. Have a nice Holiday guys and I'll keep you updated.