I am Dead

It's almost the end of December and I haven't written a single word. No "Merry Christmas," no "Happy New Year," nothing. It's because I stayed busy, or I ran out of things to say. Either way I'm beginning to become an actions speaks louder than words kind of guy. I've stayed silent with my activities because anything I say doesn't mean shit until I succeed. I feel disgusted even bringing it up because I haven't accomplished a god damn thing.

I recently came across someone I knew and he said jokingly "I thought you were dead." Not a very nice thing to say, but I don't blame him because he later added "everyone thinks you're dead." It's what I expected for being a recluse for the past three years. I took a risk to walk the path least taken and now the risks have become ever so apparent. In one year, most of my class will have secured their bachelors degree. In one year, some of my class will have secured $100k/year jobs. In one year, my classmates and my parents will start to question my sanity and I will still have nothing to show.

My life is beginning to look more and more depressing, but I have no regrets. It's the risk I've taken to win and there's no looking back. I can only move forward and if I die, I die. But at least I'd die a fool than a sheep.

Another Horrible Day

I think I am finally figuring out about what the hell is wrong with me. However, it is already too late to fix anything. My time management skills in my head are screwed up and today is just another horrible day. I do not follow my own advice and it will probably cost me today. I failed to acknowledge myself and now I must pay the price. I figured out that the slightest hurt could disrupt hours of potential time. That is why I must figure out a way to get out of here. I must be alone and that could be the best for me. Being independent will probably jump start me ahead.

Things are just getting worse everyday. I know the process is tough and the end result of death would be the easiest part. I am just crossing the bridge to figure out what the hell is on the other side. Maybe others have found it, but I still haven't finished crossing the bridge. Things are just horrible for me and I know it will not get any better at all.