Persist

I wrote this blog for me and anyone who is crazy enough to tag along. Every post represents a snapshot of my state of mind in a particular point in time. I write whenever I need to self-reflect and I thank anyone who takes their time to read my thoughts. My only hope is that it is worth your time. It's funny, because I am only a distraction if this blog wastes your time. So I encourage anyone who find this blog a waste of time to leave for your own good. I want you to forge your own path of success and to be able to tell everyone to fuck off.

Here are for those of you who find this blog somewhat useful:

This blog is directionless like my life. It is all over the place with my pointless thoughts and rambling. There is no focus. I've been working tirelessly for the past year to better myself and everything came tumbling down this week. I don't know what it is, but my mind has just shut down and refuses to do what I want to do. The craziest thing is that whenever I think about it, I don't even know what to do. 

Is that how you are feeling now?

Well, here's my plan:

I will take a step back and evaluate my situation. I must remember what is important and work towards it. Time is a major factor and I must not waste it. I must continue to do what works and discard what doesn't. I must be persistent.

It is the only way to succeed.

I am Dead

It's almost the end of December and I haven't written a single word. No "Merry Christmas," no "Happy New Year," nothing. It's because I stayed busy, or I ran out of things to say. Either way I'm beginning to become an actions speaks louder than words kind of guy. I've stayed silent with my activities because anything I say doesn't mean shit until I succeed. I feel disgusted even bringing it up because I haven't accomplished a god damn thing.

I recently came across someone I knew and he said jokingly "I thought you were dead." Not a very nice thing to say, but I don't blame him because he later added "everyone thinks you're dead." It's what I expected for being a recluse for the past three years. I took a risk to walk the path least taken and now the risks have become ever so apparent. In one year, most of my class will have secured their bachelors degree. In one year, some of my class will have secured $100k/year jobs. In one year, my classmates and my parents will start to question my sanity and I will still have nothing to show.

My life is beginning to look more and more depressing, but I have no regrets. It's the risk I've taken to win and there's no looking back. I can only move forward and if I die, I die. But at least I'd die a fool than a sheep.

Sad Day

I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat today. After making rookie mistakes, I have endured a significant loss. It was due to my initial frustrations which led me making more errors and in turn, more loss.  This coupled with a series of other unfortunate events has made me very sad.  I feel like a complete failure.

What's worse?

There is nobody supporting me anymore, so I am totally alone. By this, I mean there is nobody in the world, but me, that is rooting for me. Maybe it isn't true in spirit, but it practically is. The idea of total abandonment has consumed me and has made me colder everyday. This is not really a path I would like to follow because I don't want to be angry!

Thinking about it more closely, I shouldn't really be complaining about this because the world has bigger problems. From the Ebola outbreak to Gaza's mass killings, I really have no right to complain. Thinking about it even more, complaining about it really makes me a pussy. I should really learn from my mistakes and move forward. After all, I am in the "Bad Work" phase in the circle.

However, how many more times do I have to go through the process of rebuilding my self-esteem before it diminishes into nothing? Perhaps I am fundamentally flawed somewhere which won't allow me to take the necessary steps forward. My foundation has been too soft and can be destroyed with no effort.

Maybe it's time to start to think more strategically.

But before that, let's acknowledge the fact that today has been a sad day.

Improving Thyself

Well, since I lost the best thing I ever had because of my stupid ways, I must continue forward. Don't get me wrong, I will still admire her, but I must get on with it or I will really fall into some depression. I am sorry about rambling about this stuff since you guys probably heard it a million times by now.

Okay, so I have to start anew. I have to be able to get on somehow, but it is really hard. Like the invisible force, something is blocking me from moving on. Maybe my head is fucking around with me, but I don't really know. So I'll stop rambling and will stop fucking around. I have been reading my previous posts on self-reliance and I think it's the right time to start applying them again. I have taken a year break to figure things out and now I am back with vengeance. All I have to say is fucking " watch out" because I'll be back!

Disconnection

As everyday passes, I feel a bit of disconnection between me and everyone. As everyone pays attention on social issues, I pay no attention at all. I focus all my energy on work and ideas. That is all I have because I have no more loose friends. I only have my base and a couple of good ones which I do not see often. I want to focus on my work now and continue on with my progress. Hopefully it pays off and I will never have to worry about any social issues.

It seems that I have decided to take the path of no return. A path where I don't pretend and just continue with my work. I think I could make something great and I will run towards that goal. I will take a few with me so I don't get too lonely, but it seems to be a valid game plan no doubt. I will be patient and see.

Tired Day

Yea, another tired and non-rewarding day. I have accomplished nothing and have 2 hours to at least get something done. If I fail this task then I will be in a bad position tomorrow. Even though things may be looking up ahead, I am still in a state of bad depression.

Some of you guys may be wondering if something is wrong with my mind, but things are just bad. More to come soon.

Not Impressed

I got some stuff done today, but I am not impressed in how I did it. I basically had a whole week to complete everything and again, I waited until the last moments. It seems that I need to improve on my time management skills but that won't work because of the distractions. There are too many distraction such as the PC and TV. These two things are evil and should be at all times avoided, however the flip side to it is that the PC is supposed to be some kind of necessity because it is required to do all kinds of things. So there is really no way to bypass the PC unless I make some rules and exceptions. 

I am working on a guide on how to beat depression and procrastination. This guide is one that I have tried today and it semi-worked. I will continue working on it and will post it once it is done. It is going to be really long and it might have 2 parts to it. Since it is going to be useful, I am somehow going to get it spread like wildfire so many others would know what to do if they face what I did.

Things are still not good over here, but I just meed to fine tune parts of my ideas and concepts to have it complete. I still don't know why I have this blog but maybe it helped me somehow. I still don't think things will ever be good. I will have more reported soon.

Working Hard?

I am not sure if I started working harder than usual or it is just the regular everyday workload. I feel that I have been eliminated as a potential nice person and has been regarded as malicious and evil. Nobody knows me anymore which is good, but I have gained rather a bad rep throughout my academic career. This is a negative because, now I will not be able to take advantage of anything and will have to work hard for it. I have finally figured out the formula for understanding one course of education and now 8 more to go. Things have been busy lately and I haven't had time to do anything at all. I can see why no other blog updates anymore. It is because updating is pointless and whatever problem they already had is over.

The person I had a mutual respect for or the first person is now gone. I have lost everything and things are just getting worse. I have not only lost respect, but I lost respect for myself. Things are never good anymore. Gloomy days soon will follow.

Repeating Patterns

It is 1am right now and things aren't going well again. Things keep looping and I am back to square one. I need to get out of this cycle and start getting some work done. I can't believe things are back to the way it was.

Good People And Third Follower

Another step forward I see and my goal towards five is coming more apparent. I have a feeling that slow improvement is on its way after a huge slide down hill to hell. However, it might just be a dream because slow improvement only works 50% of time. Only depends if I am not half dead and tired before I start improving.

Today, I learned that not all the people in the world seek to kill me. I learned that some people are actually really helpful and has done me a huge favor. With this, I have learned to share and care for the rest of the community as that person with me. There are actually a few decent people left in this world and you guys can now consider me as one of them. I always already considered myself helpful, but I have turned to the dark side recently. Now that I have regained the vision to a brighter light, I understand that it does not matter if the other person does not pay me back. As long as he remembers the deed I have done and would maybe potentially help another that may struggle. This is a lesson I learned from a friend that I have just remembered too.

I have to re-define some of my concepts as they are becoming outdated. I also need to post them here so most of you guys could just take a quick glance on it. My system has become worn out and needs some adjustment to fit the criteria of the new world that is out there.

I don't know what I am talking about. I guess I will make another post that will justify this one. Anyways, I want to say "Hello" to my third follower. I still can't believe that I have kept this Blog up for this long. I usually do not like Blogs at all, but as long as I have this up, I am now known as a hypocrite or something like that.

Too Late

I think I am drowning in a pool of blood right now. I really hope I do so I don't have to live with the stupid hardships now like depression and shit. Sometimes I wish I was born somewhere where life wasn't about fucking competition all the time. I mean fuck, some people just work and they are happy. I want to work and be happy, I don't care about competing with other people to get somewhere in life. I just want any kind of job that pays me like minimum wage and I will be happy. WE DON'T NEED HEAVY GRIND AND CONSTANT COMPETITION TO BE HAPPY IN LIFE.

In the real world, everyone wants the top jobs and executive positions to get high pay. To be honest, nobody really needs that to be happy, all they need is a small job with minimum wage to be happy. I mean it is about the experience, I don't care if I live in some small apartment, as long as I have a small apartment, it's okay. Others just want a huge house, but what is the point? Why can't people just be happy with what they have? Why do they want to be like 100 times better than someone else? There are people out there working for 14 hours a day and that get half of what you get when you worked for an hour. Those people are happy and you should be too.

Daily Grind

Since I wasted the whole weekend... I basically have today to just finish up EVERYTHING. I have a lot of stuff to work on and I am not sure if I could finish everything in 11 hours. I am mad because it wasn't suppose to be like this at all. I was suppose to finish some work yesterday and the day before. Now I am screwed and just thinking how I could fix the problem before the dreaded day tomorrow. It just sucks that this always happens to me because it is HORRIBLE. I will make a follow-up post on how to deal with situations like this.

Anyways, I have another social event coming up in the following months. The social event will be for 3 days. It is much bigger than the other one (Sudden Death Pt.3). I will make a concept guide for that one too and will be applying old concepts towards it. I still think I wasted too much money on it because I just did. Things are just terrible and I will see what happens as the days pass.

Dead World

Before I start something, I have to say that we all have one life to live. It may sound done, but it is true. That one life we have is short and we have to spend it wisely or else it would truly be a waste. I just wish I never had this life, maybe something else, a more simpler one. However that is not the case, I am living in a hard life where struggles mean grades and schools. That is just not good for me because I have lost a substantial amount of time because of not only procrastination but also addiction. That is not good for me nor anyone else.

A lot of people are probably having the same conditions as me, but I am not sure how to fix it now. I can try adding more hard work into the equation, but I need a formula that could get me more time. Some may say that, doing everything during the right time would mean I would have enough time, but it isn't. I just wish that this year would end happily because my higher education life is depending on it. My family would be disappointed and I would be not respected among the others if I fail. Things are not looking to good anymore and I can't really blame anyone but myself.

I have to start formulating a plan before I fall into a deeper state of depression. Things are not as they seem to be. I am believing that everything is good right now and it isn't. Things are worse than before and I do not how I could be picked up from the shadow. I have already been stabbed by the sword a million times and I need to a new plan right now. I can no longer trust anybody as nobody trusts me.

The truth is that things have been slow around here and it seems that I have been dropped from the recent updates of everything going on. I am now under everyone and in a sub level where I can only keep to myself. This is bad because nobody cares... I learned to trust nobody because nobody cares.. If nobody cares then why should I care... I will only give respect to anyone who gives me a respect. That is how it should work from now on.

Soo Lonely

Well, I knew this day would come. It is the time when I am lonely. I would say that I have been abandoned or at least it feels like that. I don't really know what to say about it, but everyone feels lonely once in a while. I just want to go out and see people, but it is almost 1am here. I know that problems will arise if I do not do anything quick and I am already falling faster than I am gaining. Weekends are suppose to be long, but for some reason they are no longer long for me anymore. I might need some sleep, but it is true that things are just terrible. Not only am I lonely, but I have no friends either so things just keep getting worse.

Time is no longer still, but moving faster than ever. I need to start looking for more opportunities or else I will be swept away like the rest of the people. I have talked to a prominent person and told him that if no college accepts me, I will have to work hard labor until I can get back on my feet. I would have to do this alone as well because nobody will stand with me in my time of struggle or need. I am just one person writing in this pointless blog that nobody reads. I sometimes wonder why I have a blog and why I am even wasting my time writing in it, but I think it may help me long term. That is just a though, although I really must get to my work, so I will keep you guys posted. Damn its just not good anymore.

Staying focused?

It is a hard thing to do especially with computers, mp3s, and other devices that surround most of us. So what is the solution to this problem? It is to cut the source that is supplying it all. Once that is cut, then work can actually be done and everyone could stay productive. Now that is a problem with me as I must keep my computer running for some reason. I have hard times shutting it down for certain reasons but I must get it down. I noticed my productivity increase when the computer is off, so I think it would be best when it is off.

Homework..

Starting homework at 2am in the morning is never a good idea. I do not know how this happened but it just did. However I do not find myself at all tired and I know if I lay down I will wake up at like 6am panicking, so I will just listen to some music and will open my books. I have to remind myself that I have a lot of time left. I have five hours left before school starts and that's plenty, I can finish all my homework in five hours and if I am lucky get like a thirty minute break. Wish me luck whoever is out there.

Sudden Death Pt.3

Well I decided to go to this school event. I will tell you that it went completely smoothly as my objective of this event was to practice and gain respect from some people. It worked out perfectly but the only problem was that I was only able to be satisfied, I was unable to get anything along the way but that doesn't matter. As long as I was able to complete my initial objective I am satisfied. Now I must say that this idea/concept that I have developed works for me at least pretty much. I will be build more upon it later on but right now I will write a draft on how this concept/idea works so you can use it for next time if you had an event or something. I even took notes on what I did wrong during the events and could take a look at them when the event happens again.

Concept/Idea One By Average Teen
First comes an event or some kind of thing that must be attended towards.
Second Step:You must plan one long-term objective that you know if you complete you would completely satisfied.
Third Step: When you attend the event, you must understand the situation, do five minutes of research.
Fourth Step: To complete the objective effectively and take notes on what you may have did wrong.
Fifth Step: While you are doing the fourth step, you must understand that you should have side focuses as well.
Sixth Step: Enjoy everything you worked for, you deserve it. 

I will elaborate on these steps in a later post but I have accomplished something and fully satisfied. Even though I did not pick up some things along the way I am still satisfied and have notes so I could later improve if this situation arises.

Sudden Death Pt.2

Continuing on from what I have been saying in Part 1 of Sudden Death. I am going to refer back to my post School Event: Concepts/Ideas as I started off with an idea that I have used in Asia to accomplish something. This is going to be confusing and I might make a Part 3 to help the readers to understand.

Now before I went to Asia, I had one thing in my mind. In school I had summer homework assignments and I had a fun trip to Asia. Now I was sitting down on my desk trying to figure out what I was going to do as I wanted to have fun but the thing was I needed to get my work done. So I developed this concept and idea that since I would only go for a month and a half in Asia, when I get back I will finish everything in half a month. I looked at the home work and thought that it couldn't be that much homework. After thinking more about it I knew it was completely going to fail because I knew that I couldn't have any fun if I knew I should have been doing my summer assignments. So I thought of another idea....

It was just an idea that I should just focus on accomplishing one thing during the trip and the two main choices was to get work done or have fun. Now there is something with this focusing on accomplishments idea. It is something that people would always say as they think focusing on something 100% is always good. I on the other hand knew that I couldn't get my work done if I do 50/50. So it was either have fun or finish my homework and I couldn't do homework first and then have fun because I would have missed all the fun and if I chose have fun and then do homework  then it would just be too late at night to do anything because I would be tired. So the idea was to focus on doing one thing right and I will be happy and I would know that I accomplished something. So I decided to have fun and having fun was good. The thing about that was I screwed up because I was still young compared to the others so I learned a lot about having fun so it was still a good accomplishment.

Well the idea would be when going anywhere at all or doing anything, you must always have one goal to do that you must complete to be satisfied. It could be as simple as learning to brush your teeth with your left hand but while you are doing that, you might have a chance of accomplishing something else while you are learning to brush your teeth with your left hand which would be total success. Then your moral has risen and you are totally happy. So that is what I did, I accomplished some of my homework while having fun which was my goal and I was totally happy. I had a good time in Asia while not expecting to finish any of my work but since I did, I was not as depressed as I did now.

While I was on the plane back to the USA, I wanted to apply that idea to something like school. But I screwed up my choices as I wanted to have fun at school. As I had fun I screwed up my grades but was improving but I was sort of happy but I should have chosen to do well at school then having fun. My choice pick was not good and now I am screwed because now I am going to some after school. This is just not a good time for me as everything from now on is going downhill. 

So now what is my decision for after school? Should I saw "FUCK IT" I am going to rock the school while studying or should I say "I WILL STUDY HARD" and have fun on the side? I know that I have tried option one and it failed miserably so I will do option two. I will study and that will me my goal while having my side goal as having fun. This puts me one step ahead of my game. Drastic times calls for DRASTIC MEASURES.. I will be updating to see what happens during my stay in some after school.

One more thing that I am mad at is that I can not attend my school event. I still might have a chance, I was going to test the above concepts to this school event but I guess I have a better test subject to see how it goes. I am a little disappointed in myself and extremely mad at the same time since I allowed it to happen. I will continue adjusting and will see what will happen in the future.

Sudden Death Pt.1

I would have to say it all happened to fast for me to comprehend. I was having discussions with two prominent figures and suddenly, with a lift of a finger, I accepted a lifetime of torture and death taking some kind of after school program. This is most unfortunate news as I have to cancel all my evening plans to get it to my school event. This is just a horrific event for anyone to grasp I guess. This after school supposedly is going to help my academic scores. I am just going to point out now that money does not fix everything. While my results were going positive, I did not have enough concrete evidence to back up my claim that I had everything under control. With no trust or respect towards any of my decisions I am going to have to destroy a lot of things that I built up over the past months and tear them to the ground.

Now I do agree that I should go to the after school, this is a bad time as I finally figured out why I was doing so poorly in classes. I was constantly adjusting and adapting new ideas and concepts until the correct one comes to place. I believe that this after school thing might either rush this process or just put me behind from my real goals. Now I am getting to a depressed state after I built myself up and it just is not any good. My methods and ideas just need time to mature and I did not get enough time, for some reason everybody said that there is never enough time but I would like to say even if I am the first to say that time is plentiful. Things are changing rapidly and I don't think I can swim against the currents that are washing me down. I guess I have to do what everybody has been saying... "Go With The Flow."

I think this is "BullShit!" I don't think after school is anything but a waste of time for me as of now. It might help me now but in the future, I will have to go through everything I have been going through AGAIN. This after school is only a temporary effect. I have made a plan that can make this after school a benefit for me however and all I have to do is think about it....

End of the road

Well, I still didn't start my homework and it is getting late. I am going to swear to myself right now that I am going to start my homework right after I finish posting this post. I really hope this is going to help me because I have a feeling that it might. I have so much work to catch up on and had so much time to finish it but it is all with procrastination. As I can check the statistic of the blog, I can see it is going nowhere, nobody has even seen any of my posts, so I guess this will be a self-journal thing only for myself. I can see that I can not in anyway achieve my goals.

It is quite sad really, I thought before I made this blog that I had a chance to at least get like 20 views and 2 consistent readers. Blogging is harder then it looks and that has made it more depressing for me. I think I might need some help or talk to someone that could help but that goes against my concept of self-help which I will post later in my self-journal. I don't know if I could continue writing posts like this because it is just a waste of time for me. The thing is I think that posting this post might actually help me than hurt. I heard from a person before that it is better to express the emotions before dying from it. So here goes, I wish myself the best of luck, when I click "Publish Post" I will stop everything I am doing and start focusing on my first homework assignment. A good friend or my only friend watching out for me told me something that I thought I knew but I really didn't "Take it one step at a time." I am going to follow that suggestion and this will be my first step to recovery. Here goes nothing...