Dreams

"The Dream" taken in Italy

Whenever you dream, you tend to forget it as soon as you wake up unless you really put in an effort to remembering. This is how I feel right now. I just woke up and didn't even know what my dream was. I probably should have wrote it down.

My dream is over, and I have nothing and everything. What do I mean?

I have to be real with myself to keep improving so let's be real. The most crucial four years of my youth have amounted to absolutely nothing. As I mentioned, I moved backwards and may have failed. However, I did learn a lot about myself in those years and that should, probably not, count for something. I don't care if my approach was reckless because I can't change the past. The only thing I can change is tomorrow.

Reality has hit me below the belt and I have to take it. I must deal with my decisions because they are my responsibilities. It just hurts so much to be wrong and to be constantly berated on doing the things I want. Those who do berate do it in good faith, and I believe that; but only I know what's best for me. The only problem is, what the fuck do I know? I'm just a boy.

As far as my life goes, it would seem that I really have it made and I hate it. I want to make it from the bottom, but it doesn't work like that. My chances of success are much better up here so fine. I will use that to my advantage instead of being a bitch.

I'm going to have a new dream, but this time I'll write it down.

A Coffee Shop

As I sit in this coffee shop, I type this post. It is sort of a depressing scene, but it is the only way that I could get my work done. It is a supposed working environment because while everyone is working, I must get my work done as well. I feel lonely writing this post but I am also happy. This is because I around others that must get their work done. As soon as my work is done, then I have accomplished something nice. Sure, the internet isn't as good at the one back home, but it is a working environment. I can focus a lot better and I could get $0.50 refills.

My life hasn't really been improving but it is moving forward. Sure, I won't be anyone great in life, but at least I tried. I wanted to make a difference, but I failed at an early stage. Unfortunately in this world, there are no second chances. The only chance I had to change, I messed up and miscalculated. Now I am stuck in a hole with nothing. There is no recovery from this blackhole. Once stuck, I will always be stuck. I can keep telling myself that there is a way out, but it is just false prosperity. I will keep looking and when I finally do find it, I will post it here.

I do have some people that are looking out. I can at least say that but I must trust nobody. Friends are nonexistent, but they can be when I want it to be. I do hope things change for the better, but I do not think it will. I have already been trying for many months, but I am at the same place. In a never ending hole stuck in the middle of nowhere.