Focus

It's that time of year again and I still have nothing to show. I've noticed my progress slowing down, and I'm not sure if it's natural or if it's just me. I've have a feeling it's just me and I'm just letting myself down again.

I want to be the best at what I do, because I just want to prove to myself that I can. I want to be so good that it allows me to live how I want to live. It's really all I care about in life—Freedom. I'm not talking about freedom in my later years. I am talking about freedom now and forever. Every decision I make will affect me now and in the long run. It's all about making the right decisions and these days, we not only have to grind hard but grind smart.  It's not just about putting in the work anymore; It's about staying focused too.

It's not easy to be focused and if it were, everyone would be the best. I couldn't help comparing myself to others recently and I knew this was a waste of time. How the fuck can I be focused if I'm thinking of some fucker who's better than me? I need to remind myself that, there will always be someone who is better, so I can get back to working towards my dreams. I need to tell myself that it doesn't matter how others are because I can't control it. I can only control myself and that is what matters.

The moment I realize that the only thing that really matters is myself will be the moment I can finally focus.

Dreams

"The Dream" taken in Italy

Whenever you dream, you tend to forget it as soon as you wake up unless you really put in an effort to remembering. This is how I feel right now. I just woke up and didn't even know what my dream was. I probably should have wrote it down.

My dream is over, and I have nothing and everything. What do I mean?

I have to be real with myself to keep improving so let's be real. The most crucial four years of my youth have amounted to absolutely nothing. As I mentioned, I moved backwards and may have failed. However, I did learn a lot about myself in those years and that should, probably not, count for something. I don't care if my approach was reckless because I can't change the past. The only thing I can change is tomorrow.

Reality has hit me below the belt and I have to take it. I must deal with my decisions because they are my responsibilities. It just hurts so much to be wrong and to be constantly berated on doing the things I want. Those who do berate do it in good faith, and I believe that; but only I know what's best for me. The only problem is, what the fuck do I know? I'm just a boy.

As far as my life goes, it would seem that I really have it made and I hate it. I want to make it from the bottom, but it doesn't work like that. My chances of success are much better up here so fine. I will use that to my advantage instead of being a bitch.

I'm going to have a new dream, but this time I'll write it down.

I am Dead

It's almost the end of December and I haven't written a single word. No "Merry Christmas," no "Happy New Year," nothing. It's because I stayed busy, or I ran out of things to say. Either way I'm beginning to become an actions speaks louder than words kind of guy. I've stayed silent with my activities because anything I say doesn't mean shit until I succeed. I feel disgusted even bringing it up because I haven't accomplished a god damn thing.

I recently came across someone I knew and he said jokingly "I thought you were dead." Not a very nice thing to say, but I don't blame him because he later added "everyone thinks you're dead." It's what I expected for being a recluse for the past three years. I took a risk to walk the path least taken and now the risks have become ever so apparent. In one year, most of my class will have secured their bachelors degree. In one year, some of my class will have secured $100k/year jobs. In one year, my classmates and my parents will start to question my sanity and I will still have nothing to show.

My life is beginning to look more and more depressing, but I have no regrets. It's the risk I've taken to win and there's no looking back. I can only move forward and if I die, I die. But at least I'd die a fool than a sheep.

Stopped Posting

I will be on a mini break and won't be posting for a while. There is nothing to say, but I am doing poorly. I know what to do to get back on track, but it does not seem very likely that I will. I just wish I things were different but they can not be. This site has slowed down as well, but it will go back later. I am still working on a How To GUIDE on how to beat procrastination. Like I said before, this one will be a long one because I still have some testing to do and I need to edit the article constantly. It will be a good one once I put it out there for you guys to see. I'll start posting when I feel it is right.