Breathe

Shot by Charlie V. Antonio

I've been breathing my entire life, but I just realized how much I suck at it. Even as I type, my tense neck and shoulders keep my breaths weak and shallow. I feel like it's a bad habit leaving me dazed most of the time. When I do take a complete breath, I feel my body reawaken; but it's only temporary as my weak and shallow breaths take over quickly afterwards.

I don't really know how my breathing affects my performance, but I do know it's 2018. As the clock ticks forward, life only gets stranger. I don't know if this is just a phase that everyone goes through, but I can only imagine the emptiness that awaits. One reason for this is I may have given up on a "supposed" joy in life because it's my weakness. I learned that it may be impossible to overcome and figured it was pointless to really try because it didn't really make me happy. With the path I'm taking, I am not sure when I can really be happy. This is because my path seems to be a very difficult one that nobody recommends. Or maybe my path is simple, and I'm just terrible at it. I'm just not so sure anymore.

Writing here has been tough for me, because most of the time I don't know what to write about. My shortness of breath keeps me in a daze and probably forces me to sleep when I don't have to. Everyone is almost gone now and all I can think about is the inevitable. 

Why am I so fucked?

 I am going to force myself to take full breaths from now on and I suggest that you do the same.

Focus

It's that time of year again and I still have nothing to show. I've noticed my progress slowing down, and I'm not sure if it's natural or if it's just me. I've have a feeling it's just me and I'm just letting myself down again.

I want to be the best at what I do, because I just want to prove to myself that I can. I want to be so good that it allows me to live how I want to live. It's really all I care about in life—Freedom. I'm not talking about freedom in my later years. I am talking about freedom now and forever. Every decision I make will affect me now and in the long run. It's all about making the right decisions and these days, we not only have to grind hard but grind smart.  It's not just about putting in the work anymore; It's about staying focused too.

It's not easy to be focused and if it were, everyone would be the best. I couldn't help comparing myself to others recently and I knew this was a waste of time. How the fuck can I be focused if I'm thinking of some fucker who's better than me? I need to remind myself that, there will always be someone who is better, so I can get back to working towards my dreams. I need to tell myself that it doesn't matter how others are because I can't control it. I can only control myself and that is what matters.

The moment I realize that the only thing that really matters is myself will be the moment I can finally focus.

Dreams

"The Dream" taken in Italy

Whenever you dream, you tend to forget it as soon as you wake up unless you really put in an effort to remembering. This is how I feel right now. I just woke up and didn't even know what my dream was. I probably should have wrote it down.

My dream is over, and I have nothing and everything. What do I mean?

I have to be real with myself to keep improving so let's be real. The most crucial four years of my youth have amounted to absolutely nothing. As I mentioned, I moved backwards and may have failed. However, I did learn a lot about myself in those years and that should, probably not, count for something. I don't care if my approach was reckless because I can't change the past. The only thing I can change is tomorrow.

Reality has hit me below the belt and I have to take it. I must deal with my decisions because they are my responsibilities. It just hurts so much to be wrong and to be constantly berated on doing the things I want. Those who do berate do it in good faith, and I believe that; but only I know what's best for me. The only problem is, what the fuck do I know? I'm just a boy.

As far as my life goes, it would seem that I really have it made and I hate it. I want to make it from the bottom, but it doesn't work like that. My chances of success are much better up here so fine. I will use that to my advantage instead of being a bitch.

I'm going to have a new dream, but this time I'll write it down.

Persist

I wrote this blog for me and anyone who is crazy enough to tag along. Every post represents a snapshot of my state of mind in a particular point in time. I write whenever I need to self-reflect and I thank anyone who takes their time to read my thoughts. My only hope is that it is worth your time. It's funny, because I am only a distraction if this blog wastes your time. So I encourage anyone who find this blog a waste of time to leave for your own good. I want you to forge your own path of success and to be able to tell everyone to fuck off.

Here are for those of you who find this blog somewhat useful:

This blog is directionless like my life. It is all over the place with my pointless thoughts and rambling. There is no focus. I've been working tirelessly for the past year to better myself and everything came tumbling down this week. I don't know what it is, but my mind has just shut down and refuses to do what I want to do. The craziest thing is that whenever I think about it, I don't even know what to do. 

Is that how you are feeling now?

Well, here's my plan:

I will take a step back and evaluate my situation. I must remember what is important and work towards it. Time is a major factor and I must not waste it. I must continue to do what works and discard what doesn't. I must be persistent.

It is the only way to succeed.

Fifth Follower

It's been forever since my first follower and last week, I finally got my fifth follower which completes one of my blog goals. Not that it really matters or anything, but I would like to take a step back and appreciate it. I started this blog from nothing and it's still trash. It has nothing that a professional blog has and I haven't been really writing anything useful. I have not achieved anything meaningful in life which means this blog guarantees nothing to help anyone. I am barely making it out there.

I just write what's on my mind which has always been the case. It's just lately that I haven't been able to write what I think. I haven't been thinking straight because I have my head up my ass. I need to get it out and slap myself silly before it's too late. 

Thanks for following :) 

Nothing Matters

Nothing fucking matters. Nobody gives a fuck about you or me because nothing matters. Nothing matters because most of the shit in life don't matter. It is only YOU who can make it matter. If something matters, then put your energy into it until it doesn't matter anymore. It might take days, months, or even forever, but you gotta do it. If you don't, then it truly doesn't matter.

I am saying all this because a lot of bad shit has been happening to me, but I don't give a fuck because it doesn't matter. There are only a few things that matter TO ME and that is the stuff I should really be focused on. If I focused on the things that don't matter, then I would just be wasting my time.

Find out what matters and what doesn't. Focus on the things that do matter because that's the only way to succeed.

Too Much To Do

There are so many things to master. 

But, how can I master them all? 

The answer is you cannot.  

There is a time in life when one must choose a skill to master. Some may never encounter this time, because they miss it or disregard it. However, I have realized that now is my time to make a decision. In the past, I would delay this decision like an an idiot, but now that I am older, I have to force myself to do it. Kind of sad because it seems that many don't take the opportunity to take advantage. Since I am still relatively young, I have a few options left open for me. One of them is where I can be great at a skill and another is where I become decent at everything. However, I am in strong belief that the latter option comes with a price. 

And that price is, I would become the: Jack of all trades, but master of none.

Now I know I am too late to be a master. Not everyone can be Kobe Bryant or Bruce Lee. But, I do realize that I can still be very good. I am constricted by time because the clock is constantly ticking. Every second I am not honing my skills is wasted. Every second I try focus on new things is wasted. However, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try new things. It just means that I shouldn't waste too much time on it, if I am not serious. For me, I have already wasted years by doing nothing. 

So the question becomes if I want to be a master of one trade or nothing? 

I don't like the notion of becoming a master of just one trade. This is very limiting and doesn't help one see further. I believe in the fundamentals. Mastering the fundamentals is the key to mastering a skill because a good foundation is the key to any good house. So every time I learn a new subject, I go to the basics.

So I made a plan. 

My goal is to be fundamentally strong at the things I like. Not necessarily the best, but respectable. I might not be able to master them, but I won't give up without a fight. This is the number one problem with people who want to get ahead. They give up too quickly. I have three enemies, time, myself, and distractions. Since time is my biggest enemy, I will have to fight against it. After this post, I will only focus on the things that will help me achieve my goals. To prove that I can be good at everything without sacrificing another skill. 

It will be hard, but I cannot give up.

I encourage all of you reading to stop wasting time and do the things you want to do. Never stop trying! If you do, then you will never make it. 

Do Something

Finishing a task is easy but starting one, not so much.

Why is it so hard to start something? It is because we are scared (or maybe it's just me). New tasks are never welcoming and seem like a waste of time. After all, there is always a potential for failure. 

However, we will recover from failure. Anything we do is just an experience so time is never "wasted." It actually saves us time because it reminds us not to do it next time. So as I write this, I wonder if I will do what I always wanted to do or if I will just wither away and die.  

So...

Do something now so you don't have to tomorrow. Do something because you want to. Do something to improve yourself.

Do "fucking" Something because it's not too late.

The Final Cut

It's that time of year again where nostalgic feelings about a special someone are felt. There is a never-ending wave of negativity in the air that leave you depressed as "fuck." So is it really the time to move on?

There is only one answer to this question and it is YES.

This is the answer because if you do not move on, you will end up in a infinite Circle of Problems. When this happens, everything becomes a little darker inside and life becomes a sad story. Since this cannot be, we must end the chapter and write a happier one. But to end a chapter, you must forget about everything that makes you remember. However, it seems like every time I try, I fuck up. The only way to end is with time. It sucks, but it is the way it works. So you better forget it quickly or else...

So I raise a glass of whiskey for all you gents who are willing end this chapter with me and write a happier one.

"To success and victory for all."

A repeat from the past

I just realized that this feeling has happened once before. I did recover from that so now I think I should be fine. Things will get better soon hopefully.

As I wait, I start withering away in the wind. Slowly dying and thinking who will pull the plug on me.

Improving Thyself

Well, since I lost the best thing I ever had because of my stupid ways, I must continue forward. Don't get me wrong, I will still admire her, but I must get on with it or I will really fall into some depression. I am sorry about rambling about this stuff since you guys probably heard it a million times by now.

Okay, so I have to start anew. I have to be able to get on somehow, but it is really hard. Like the invisible force, something is blocking me from moving on. Maybe my head is fucking around with me, but I don't really know. So I'll stop rambling and will stop fucking around. I have been reading my previous posts on self-reliance and I think it's the right time to start applying them again. I have taken a year break to figure things out and now I am back with vengeance. All I have to say is fucking " watch out" because I'll be back!

Christopher Dorner: A Man With Honor?

Christopher Dorner

Before you have any opinions on this man, good or bad, read his full edited/unedited manifesto. Don't let the media tell you what is going on because they will push forward their own agendas with this information. Also, read an article depicting how honorable a man he actually was. This guy "seems" legit and "seems" like he has been pushed too far. You should be your own judge if you want to know more about this man and why he is doing what he is doing. It looks like he is going Rambo and things will get more interesting as this story develops. I just hope he stays safe.

Check out Christopher Dorner's Unedited Manifesto.
Check out Christopher Dorner's Edited Manifesto.
Check out how Christopher Dorner returns nearly $8000 he and his found back to a church.

 Do you know why we are unsuccessful in asymmetrical and guerrilla warfare in CENTCOM theatre of operations? I’ll tell you. It’s not the inefficiency of our combatant commanders, planning, readiness or training of troops. Much like the Vietnam war, ACM, AAF, foreign fighters, Jihadist, and JAM have nothing to lose. They embrace death as it is a way of life. I simply don’t fear it. I am the walking exigent circumstance you created.   

The Violence of action will be HIGH. I am the reason TAC alert was established. I will bring unconventional and asymmetrical warfare to those in LAPD uniform whether on or off duty. ISR is my strength and your weakness. You will now live the life of the prey. Your RD’s and homes away from work will be my AO and battle space. I will utilize every tool within INT collections that I learned from NMITC in Dam Neck. You have misjudged a sleeping giant. There is no conventional threat assessment for me. JAM, New Ba’ath party, 1920 rev BGE, ACM, AAF, AQAP, AQIM and AQIZ have nothing on me. Do not deploy airships or gunships. SA-7 Manpads will be waiting. As you know I also own Barrett .50′s so your APC are defunct and futile.
 
- Christopher Dorner

 

The situation Christopher is in is very similar to the movie. Make sure that every unfortunate accident the police commits while trying to capture him is fully investigated.  More information to come soon...

Staying The Course

My mind has ventured away into the wilderness from my once focused concentration. I must regain my focus to earn a better life. Now I must stay the course back onto the yellow brick road if I plan to succeed. I keep saying that it is do or die, but it must be true now. I must stay the course or I shall perish into the depths of the deep sea.

Sad World

 Findng Out

Anonymous said...

So I read some of your posts... And your About Me section... It seems you don't suffer from depression but you accpeted that you do. Yeah, life is sad...and unfair...and pretty stupid and not worth living when all we have is dull, stupid, sad things going on around us... And you cant go around your instincts and be a hypocrit and pretend you like something just because its socially acceptable... Thats whats wrong with you.. You are not a good actor.. If you manage to pretend you like stuff that everybody likes, not be rude to people than everything else will come to you.. You will get dumber.. But you have to choose. Be smart or be happy. In this world you cant have both. Ive tried and its impossible because people dont accept the truth. So you have to pretend, and you will notice that everyday you're getting dumber and dumber.. But that doesnt matter because your happy.. If you just like to be smart and cant be dumb then live what you can in pain and eventually you will reach a point that you see that theres is no sense in living... What a world we live in...

It's a sad world indeed. You helped me to notice.

Disconnection

As everyday passes, I feel a bit of disconnection between me and everyone. As everyone pays attention on social issues, I pay no attention at all. I focus all my energy on work and ideas. That is all I have because I have no more loose friends. I only have my base and a couple of good ones which I do not see often. I want to focus on my work now and continue on with my progress. Hopefully it pays off and I will never have to worry about any social issues.

It seems that I have decided to take the path of no return. A path where I don't pretend and just continue with my work. I think I could make something great and I will run towards that goal. I will take a few with me so I don't get too lonely, but it seems to be a valid game plan no doubt. I will be patient and see.

Always will be behind

I think there is no way of catching up. Once behind, always behind no matter what. I think I might have learned this the hard way. There is no more examination or testing like I said I was going to do. Only failed ideals. I can't even strip away everything and glue it back together. I don't know what will happen next. The future looks grim and warm at the same time. Uncertainty is among everyone and myself included. It looks like I may have to do an alternate thing that could help or destroy me.

I will see how things play out in the near future and will report back.

Can't Keep Up

There is nothing to write about anymore. I have actually caught up with my work and beyond. There are no more rants to produce so this blog could be dead soon. I need to figure out something to write. I was thinking about dropping this one and opening a new one about something actually interesting. I learned a lot from this site and will use it to my advantage later.

I know nobody really cares what happens. Even though my work has caught up, I am still in a bad position. I have always been a bad position. I will think about it for a while and will update nobody later.

Back to work

Finished with my bullshit mini-break and back on track. I am already a bit behind and need to catch up. Need to get a job soon and need to work on more important things. My life is already a mess and another year isn't really going to help since it is the last useless year of this institute. I have taken the advice that I was given to heart so I will keep working on that. I have received more information about the future and will stride towards those ideas. Things could either go up or down right now, so I have to start focusing. More info to come soon. Need to get an idea on how everything feels like again.

I haven't kept my part of the deal so I was thinking of maybe trashing the whole blog thing. I will consider that idea since it was never a good idea in the first place. Things should be different now so everything will be taken under careful consideration.

Re-Organization

I have a couple of free months to get my stuff back together. However, in order to move forward, not only do I have to organize my room but also my head. I will break it down easily for you guys so it could be understood.

The Mind
After a year load of work and punishment, I got tired. I needed a break, maybe a day maybe a week, but I needed something. I cannot go on working with no direction because that is stupid. I needed to rethink my thinking process and streamline it. My mind is like a piece of code. Right now, it has convoluted pieces of code which is preventing me from moving forward. During the process of the break, I rethink everything and figure out my end-goal and direction. As of now I am doing a good job because I have been re-organizing the way I think so I could get things done faster. It might not make any sense now but it works. Once my head is clear and ready to work, I will be faster then ever and will be able to surpass anyone. It is just part of the process. Once this goal is complete, I will be able to get back to my old habits and just blow away everyone that doubted me.

The only thing preventing me from re-organizing everything is some close people. They are closed-minded and do not understand any process. They believe that everyone works 24/7 and produces good work. They believe that a person that does not work for a second would lose their standing in this world. It is simply not true. I have suffered a lot lately, but I have learned and gained the experience already. I have already built a mental system that prevents myself from going back into that state of mind. This is an incredible self-achievement and it works.

The Body
I do not only need to organize my mind but also my body. Without the proper amount of sleep and nourishment, I will never be able to have enough energy to do anything. From setting up a system in my mind, I will force myself to start sleeping earlier. I believe that my mind will discipline my body and will get me to bed earlier so I wouldn't have to face a problem which I faced last year. I will be able to be more attentive and more sharp when I am awake.

Good body nourishment and body exercise is good too because I will be able to keep up with the rest without any problems. I need to boost up my stamina and this would also help me keep my discipline level at a high. Once my body is well, I won't have any problems with this department and would be able to focus on more important aspects of my life.

Emotions
Emotions are for the weak minded. If I am to lose myself like I have last year, then I would be at a point of no return. Part of the process is setting a standard and a direction for myself. The emotions shouldn't be a part anywhere inside me or else I will become weak like the rest. I will not have to deal with any problems, but I would listen. I will understand and take best actions when asked unnecessary questions.

I don't want to say that I defeated depression, but I have suppressed it to a point where I don't care anymore about it. This is a good thing because if I don't care, then nothing could happen. If nothing could happen then I am safe-guarded from this part of the problem. I do not need others to help me in this area even though I might because I have developed a system to solve these problems myself. It might be a sad way to think of it, but it should work.

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These are only the basic changes. I will change my attitude to life and everything that could positively impact myself. Things will be different and I will keep you guys updated. I may be lying to myself about all these changes, but I always hope for the best. The best always come to you eventually.

In the United States, you wait for bus.
In Soviet Russia, Bus waits for you!

Damn

I don't know what to do and I do not know what to say. I have fucked up this year. I am not sure how to recover because I see no chance. My life is basically over because of the mistakes I made this year. It was undeniable because my fundamental concepts were weak. I have accomplished nothing but a thousand failures. However, with all these failures, I will hopefully find one success. Everything is a process and the one I have is slow. I will report further, but I have little to say. I do not want to burden you guys with shit that does not make sense. There is no real audience for this anyways so this blog is still solely for myself. I just hoped for someone to follow and see if they could actually benefit from reading. According to results, I do not think that is happening at all.

I can't believe that one year could make a huge difference. Even with two years under my belt, this one year could just screw everything over. There are no second chances. There is only one chance in life unless I get lucky. I know some of you reading may say something like "Fuck You." I agree, I should be not around anymore. I don't deserve this. I deserve nothing... It is over and I am not sure how to explain or do anything. My mind is dead...