My Wounds

Foto scattata in Italia.

I am seriously fucked up in the head. My life has been a perpetual cycle with no end in sight. I move one step forward and two step backwards every single time. Why does this happen? I guess it is just life.

I realized I never really moved on from my problem and after suffering again, the worst has happened. I confronted it head on and it's over. My plan was unsurprisingly wrong and it has brought back the darkness I felt back then. I realized I took a self-improvement approach last time and it blindly worked well. However, it did take its tolls. This time, I must be more clever with my approach because time is always moving faster and death is waiting by my side everyday. My new approach is more balanced. I must rely on others to help aid me instead of tackling my problem alone. I must continue to grow and improve myself to become the best I could be for myself and not for vengeance. I must take three steps forward and really forget about the past.

This really isn't easy for me, because it is an approach I never tried. I jumped into my first approach blindly and it really brought me down a slippery path that even the pros couldn't justify. I realize that this time must be different or I will really slip off that path. I also discovered that time doesn't heal an improperly treated wound. This is why this time, I was hurt even more. After all that has happened, I don't know if I will ever find anyone for me. I just got lucky the first time and luck isn't exactly my friend. I was told by a young friend to just accept and go through things as how they are and how they are meant to be.

I don't know if I can believe that, but it makes sense. Maybe fate does play a role and everything is just scripted. I just know we are all insignificant in this universe and nothing really matters. There is no point in me forcing these issues. I have bigger problems to worry about.

Am I blind?

I don't know how to answer this question, but I must be blind. I couldn't see the best thing that happened to me and now, I can't see what is going on anymore. Everything to me is just like a mysterious mist that looms over the horizon. There are no happy feelings anymore, just darkness followed by more darkness. My eyes and soul are tired and it seems like the only thing left for me is death. It seems like there is no reversal for this kind of feeling. Unless I come up with something quick, I will be just another blind man who is feeling the elephant for the first time. But the real question is, why am I blind?

It probably is because I don't trust anyone. I have become paranoid and it has taken a toll on my mind. Things are just not as good as I think anymore. My mind has been too spoiled and it's time to start from the beginning again.

Broken

I have completely broken down. With nothing to do and nothing to say, I have nothing to look forward to. The one important person who was important to me has abandoned me and I could only say that it was my fault. My futile attempts to recover has failed and my audience has dwindled into thin air. It really looks like I will be returning to my self-destructive ways soon just waiting to die in sorrow in this sorry world. I will never become this person I hoped to be. I will never be able to recover my already weak mind. Nothing looks bright anymore, light begins to fall.

Darkness is here.