My Wounds

Foto scattata in Italia.

I am seriously fucked up in the head. My life has been a perpetual cycle with no end in sight. I move one step forward and two step backwards every single time. Why does this happen? I guess it is just life.

I realized I never really moved on from my problem and after suffering again, the worst has happened. I confronted it head on and it's over. My plan was unsurprisingly wrong and it has brought back the darkness I felt back then. I realized I took a self-improvement approach last time and it blindly worked well. However, it did take its tolls. This time, I must be more clever with my approach because time is always moving faster and death is waiting by my side everyday. My new approach is more balanced. I must rely on others to help aid me instead of tackling my problem alone. I must continue to grow and improve myself to become the best I could be for myself and not for vengeance. I must take three steps forward and really forget about the past.

This really isn't easy for me, because it is an approach I never tried. I jumped into my first approach blindly and it really brought me down a slippery path that even the pros couldn't justify. I realize that this time must be different or I will really slip off that path. I also discovered that time doesn't heal an improperly treated wound. This is why this time, I was hurt even more. After all that has happened, I don't know if I will ever find anyone for me. I just got lucky the first time and luck isn't exactly my friend. I was told by a young friend to just accept and go through things as how they are and how they are meant to be.

I don't know if I can believe that, but it makes sense. Maybe fate does play a role and everything is just scripted. I just know we are all insignificant in this universe and nothing really matters. There is no point in me forcing these issues. I have bigger problems to worry about.

A New Hope

A new time and era is coming for me and this is actually something that can be very exciting. But, I have to be very careful because one wrong step can kill me. I have to be strong by fighting the evil spirits inside me; and not only that, but I have to evaluate each individual to make sure they are okay. These are going to be strange times for me because I have been away from that environment for such a long time. I am not sure how I am going to fit in, especially when I am already depressed.

The things I am doing will determine my future. Everything depends if I enjoy it or not and if I don't, then I am in big trouble. It means my core ideas have been flawed from the start and I will probably have to start over. Since I am very late in my studies, that would not be a good thing so I will have to try my hardest to survive. There will probably be plenty of distractions, but I will have to fight them off to make sure everything is okay.

It's a new hope for me and probably the last chance I will get for a while.

Broken

I have completely broken down. With nothing to do and nothing to say, I have nothing to look forward to. The one important person who was important to me has abandoned me and I could only say that it was my fault. My futile attempts to recover has failed and my audience has dwindled into thin air. It really looks like I will be returning to my self-destructive ways soon just waiting to die in sorrow in this sorry world. I will never become this person I hoped to be. I will never be able to recover my already weak mind. Nothing looks bright anymore, light begins to fall.

Darkness is here.