Sad Day

I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat today. After making rookie mistakes, I have endured a significant loss. It was due to my initial frustrations which led me making more errors and in turn, more loss.  This coupled with a series of other unfortunate events has made me very sad.  I feel like a complete failure.

What's worse?

There is nobody supporting me anymore, so I am totally alone. By this, I mean there is nobody in the world, but me, that is rooting for me. Maybe it isn't true in spirit, but it practically is. The idea of total abandonment has consumed me and has made me colder everyday. This is not really a path I would like to follow because I don't want to be angry!

Thinking about it more closely, I shouldn't really be complaining about this because the world has bigger problems. From the Ebola outbreak to Gaza's mass killings, I really have no right to complain. Thinking about it even more, complaining about it really makes me a pussy. I should really learn from my mistakes and move forward. After all, I am in the "Bad Work" phase in the circle.

However, how many more times do I have to go through the process of rebuilding my self-esteem before it diminishes into nothing? Perhaps I am fundamentally flawed somewhere which won't allow me to take the necessary steps forward. My foundation has been too soft and can be destroyed with no effort.

Maybe it's time to start to think more strategically.

But before that, let's acknowledge the fact that today has been a sad day.

Damn

I don't know what to do and I do not know what to say. I have fucked up this year. I am not sure how to recover because I see no chance. My life is basically over because of the mistakes I made this year. It was undeniable because my fundamental concepts were weak. I have accomplished nothing but a thousand failures. However, with all these failures, I will hopefully find one success. Everything is a process and the one I have is slow. I will report further, but I have little to say. I do not want to burden you guys with shit that does not make sense. There is no real audience for this anyways so this blog is still solely for myself. I just hoped for someone to follow and see if they could actually benefit from reading. According to results, I do not think that is happening at all.

I can't believe that one year could make a huge difference. Even with two years under my belt, this one year could just screw everything over. There are no second chances. There is only one chance in life unless I get lucky. I know some of you reading may say something like "Fuck You." I agree, I should be not around anymore. I don't deserve this. I deserve nothing... It is over and I am not sure how to explain or do anything. My mind is dead...