Sad Day

I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat today. After making rookie mistakes, I have endured a significant loss. It was due to my initial frustrations which led me making more errors and in turn, more loss.  This coupled with a series of other unfortunate events has made me very sad.  I feel like a complete failure.

What's worse?

There is nobody supporting me anymore, so I am totally alone. By this, I mean there is nobody in the world, but me, that is rooting for me. Maybe it isn't true in spirit, but it practically is. The idea of total abandonment has consumed me and has made me colder everyday. This is not really a path I would like to follow because I don't want to be angry!

Thinking about it more closely, I shouldn't really be complaining about this because the world has bigger problems. From the Ebola outbreak to Gaza's mass killings, I really have no right to complain. Thinking about it even more, complaining about it really makes me a pussy. I should really learn from my mistakes and move forward. After all, I am in the "Bad Work" phase in the circle.

However, how many more times do I have to go through the process of rebuilding my self-esteem before it diminishes into nothing? Perhaps I am fundamentally flawed somewhere which won't allow me to take the necessary steps forward. My foundation has been too soft and can be destroyed with no effort.

Maybe it's time to start to think more strategically.

But before that, let's acknowledge the fact that today has been a sad day.

Nothing to Lose

I think I have hit a point in life where it seems I have nothing left. As I sit in this empty room, I feel like I only have one last move to make before everything is over. I must stay strong though, because I believe this has happened once before in my life. I have been reading my past posts and it shows me what has happened before. It is a guide for me to continue on and to move forward. I don't know how far I can go, but it has to be better than now. It looks like I have to revert back to my old ways and start focusing on what is right. I am nobody's friend and nobody is my friend.

I am alone and only have comrades to count on. I feel like it's really time to start from square one again. But this time, I must do something different, something drastic. This time, I must make real friends and meet real special people who I can care about. I must forget about the past to continue on living the present to move into the future.

Maybe then, I can truly move on.

Chilling Thoughts

I have to stay up to finish some things. I should have done it before but that was impossible because I was too distracted. Now I am cold and it is getting later and later. At least I am not doing this at 2am which I would be doing if I was writing this a couple of months ago. Things like that have generally improved a little I guess. I still have to work on it more. I have recently received nice comments from an anonymous person here on the blog. I will put that in a post one day because I think it is nice. My life is not going to get better any time soon so I must always prepare for the worst. If things continue on like this, then it will be no good. I must find a way to stop it.

I must find ways to improve my concentration and interest levels. I must find a way to be more happier socially. I should follow the advice of the anonymous comments that I have received. Exchanging the price of knowing to not knowing. I do not think this is the right choice though because it just doesn't feel right at all. I will be testing some of these theories soon and will let you guys know. The upcoming weeks are going to be busy for me due to the fact that I have many things scheduled ahead. I will do my best to keep you guys updated but I still doubt many are reading.

Soo Lonely

Well, I knew this day would come. It is the time when I am lonely. I would say that I have been abandoned or at least it feels like that. I don't really know what to say about it, but everyone feels lonely once in a while. I just want to go out and see people, but it is almost 1am here. I know that problems will arise if I do not do anything quick and I am already falling faster than I am gaining. Weekends are suppose to be long, but for some reason they are no longer long for me anymore. I might need some sleep, but it is true that things are just terrible. Not only am I lonely, but I have no friends either so things just keep getting worse.

Time is no longer still, but moving faster than ever. I need to start looking for more opportunities or else I will be swept away like the rest of the people. I have talked to a prominent person and told him that if no college accepts me, I will have to work hard labor until I can get back on my feet. I would have to do this alone as well because nobody will stand with me in my time of struggle or need. I am just one person writing in this pointless blog that nobody reads. I sometimes wonder why I have a blog and why I am even wasting my time writing in it, but I think it may help me long term. That is just a though, although I really must get to my work, so I will keep you guys posted. Damn its just not good anymore.