My Wounds

Foto scattata in Italia.

I am seriously fucked up in the head. My life has been a perpetual cycle with no end in sight. I move one step forward and two step backwards every single time. Why does this happen? I guess it is just life.

I realized I never really moved on from my problem and after suffering again, the worst has happened. I confronted it head on and it's over. My plan was unsurprisingly wrong and it has brought back the darkness I felt back then. I realized I took a self-improvement approach last time and it blindly worked well. However, it did take its tolls. This time, I must be more clever with my approach because time is always moving faster and death is waiting by my side everyday. My new approach is more balanced. I must rely on others to help aid me instead of tackling my problem alone. I must continue to grow and improve myself to become the best I could be for myself and not for vengeance. I must take three steps forward and really forget about the past.

This really isn't easy for me, because it is an approach I never tried. I jumped into my first approach blindly and it really brought me down a slippery path that even the pros couldn't justify. I realize that this time must be different or I will really slip off that path. I also discovered that time doesn't heal an improperly treated wound. This is why this time, I was hurt even more. After all that has happened, I don't know if I will ever find anyone for me. I just got lucky the first time and luck isn't exactly my friend. I was told by a young friend to just accept and go through things as how they are and how they are meant to be.

I don't know if I can believe that, but it makes sense. Maybe fate does play a role and everything is just scripted. I just know we are all insignificant in this universe and nothing really matters. There is no point in me forcing these issues. I have bigger problems to worry about.

Bad Day

Everything is at a all time low now. I just made a fatal mistake and these past two days have been dreadful. Even when academics is canceled, I feel that I have no chance of getting anywhere. I read an article about how institutions just advertise so they could get their population for applications up and then reject everyone. I just don't like how they work. I have lost everyone including the people that may have trusted me. I am probably now on my own and have to make my own decisions. I also can not let those decisions fuck up others like I have done today. This is just horrible because everything is going more downhill than ever before. I thought that maybe discipline would help, but I thought wrong.

Now I have to battle to stay awake and this blog has been a failure. Many people may think that if this blog is a failure, then I should close it. I still have 1% faith left that somehow this blog will rise from the grave based on the results. Feb is not a good month and I have to say that January was better. Things are just terrible and I have to fix it somehow. I made people trust me and now I might just break the trust between those people. Not only that, but nobody seems to care. People have turned into animals and how it is survival of the fittest.  People are in groups and I am still independent. This has left me no choice, but to maybe join something.

Committing into death may be the best solution for me now. I don't see myself moving forward anymore, only backwards as others move on. I am constantly being dragged down and seeing how things do not move as I want it to move just brings me down. I don't feel like posting or doing anything anymore because whatever I do is just worthless. Nobody really cares about anything. I guess I am just wasting my time doing it for myself. I am always good at wasting time. I wish things were better. 

Now I may be thinking to shut it all down or just drag on until everything dies by itself.