Focus

It's that time of year again and I still have nothing to show. I've noticed my progress slowing down, and I'm not sure if it's natural or if it's just me. I've have a feeling it's just me and I'm just letting myself down again.

I want to be the best at what I do, because I just want to prove to myself that I can. I want to be so good that it allows me to live how I want to live. It's really all I care about in life—Freedom. I'm not talking about freedom in my later years. I am talking about freedom now and forever. Every decision I make will affect me now and in the long run. It's all about making the right decisions and these days, we not only have to grind hard but grind smart.  It's not just about putting in the work anymore; It's about staying focused too.

It's not easy to be focused and if it were, everyone would be the best. I couldn't help comparing myself to others recently and I knew this was a waste of time. How the fuck can I be focused if I'm thinking of some fucker who's better than me? I need to remind myself that, there will always be someone who is better, so I can get back to working towards my dreams. I need to tell myself that it doesn't matter how others are because I can't control it. I can only control myself and that is what matters.

The moment I realize that the only thing that really matters is myself will be the moment I can finally focus.

I am Dead

It's almost the end of December and I haven't written a single word. No "Merry Christmas," no "Happy New Year," nothing. It's because I stayed busy, or I ran out of things to say. Either way I'm beginning to become an actions speaks louder than words kind of guy. I've stayed silent with my activities because anything I say doesn't mean shit until I succeed. I feel disgusted even bringing it up because I haven't accomplished a god damn thing.

I recently came across someone I knew and he said jokingly "I thought you were dead." Not a very nice thing to say, but I don't blame him because he later added "everyone thinks you're dead." It's what I expected for being a recluse for the past three years. I took a risk to walk the path least taken and now the risks have become ever so apparent. In one year, most of my class will have secured their bachelors degree. In one year, some of my class will have secured $100k/year jobs. In one year, my classmates and my parents will start to question my sanity and I will still have nothing to show.

My life is beginning to look more and more depressing, but I have no regrets. It's the risk I've taken to win and there's no looking back. I can only move forward and if I die, I die. But at least I'd die a fool than a sheep.

Staying The Course

My mind has ventured away into the wilderness from my once focused concentration. I must regain my focus to earn a better life. Now I must stay the course back onto the yellow brick road if I plan to succeed. I keep saying that it is do or die, but it must be true now. I must stay the course or I shall perish into the depths of the deep sea.