Focus

It's that time of year again and I still have nothing to show. I've noticed my progress slowing down, and I'm not sure if it's natural or if it's just me. I've have a feeling it's just me and I'm just letting myself down again.

I want to be the best at what I do, because I just want to prove to myself that I can. I want to be so good that it allows me to live how I want to live. It's really all I care about in life—Freedom. I'm not talking about freedom in my later years. I am talking about freedom now and forever. Every decision I make will affect me now and in the long run. It's all about making the right decisions and these days, we not only have to grind hard but grind smart.  It's not just about putting in the work anymore; It's about staying focused too.

It's not easy to be focused and if it were, everyone would be the best. I couldn't help comparing myself to others recently and I knew this was a waste of time. How the fuck can I be focused if I'm thinking of some fucker who's better than me? I need to remind myself that, there will always be someone who is better, so I can get back to working towards my dreams. I need to tell myself that it doesn't matter how others are because I can't control it. I can only control myself and that is what matters.

The moment I realize that the only thing that really matters is myself will be the moment I can finally focus.

I am Dead

It's almost the end of December and I haven't written a single word. No "Merry Christmas," no "Happy New Year," nothing. It's because I stayed busy, or I ran out of things to say. Either way I'm beginning to become an actions speaks louder than words kind of guy. I've stayed silent with my activities because anything I say doesn't mean shit until I succeed. I feel disgusted even bringing it up because I haven't accomplished a god damn thing.

I recently came across someone I knew and he said jokingly "I thought you were dead." Not a very nice thing to say, but I don't blame him because he later added "everyone thinks you're dead." It's what I expected for being a recluse for the past three years. I took a risk to walk the path least taken and now the risks have become ever so apparent. In one year, most of my class will have secured their bachelors degree. In one year, some of my class will have secured $100k/year jobs. In one year, my classmates and my parents will start to question my sanity and I will still have nothing to show.

My life is beginning to look more and more depressing, but I have no regrets. It's the risk I've taken to win and there's no looking back. I can only move forward and if I die, I die. But at least I'd die a fool than a sheep.

Nothing to Lose

I think I have hit a point in life where it seems I have nothing left. As I sit in this empty room, I feel like I only have one last move to make before everything is over. I must stay strong though, because I believe this has happened once before in my life. I have been reading my past posts and it shows me what has happened before. It is a guide for me to continue on and to move forward. I don't know how far I can go, but it has to be better than now. It looks like I have to revert back to my old ways and start focusing on what is right. I am nobody's friend and nobody is my friend.

I am alone and only have comrades to count on. I feel like it's really time to start from square one again. But this time, I must do something different, something drastic. This time, I must make real friends and meet real special people who I can care about. I must forget about the past to continue on living the present to move into the future.

Maybe then, I can truly move on.

Moving Forward

Well, long time no talk. I thought I could move forward, but it turns out that I am moving backwards again. I think I am moving forward, but it is like one step forward and two steps back. Things are not turning out smoothly like I thought it would. I made a plan and I need to stick to it. Like  a Swim or Die situation, I am going to die soon. I wish this wasn't this case, but it looks like it. I must stick to it and move forward or things will not look to good anymore. I wish everyone a best of luck.

More updates will come soon. I realized that once I stopped updating, this blog started to turn like the ones that are only updated once in a while. Since I want to make sure that it doesn't happen, I will continue updating. It is either that or I will have to delete the whole thing and end it. This story might come to an end to me or it will continue into 2012. We will see, I will let you guys know every step of the way. Whoever is listening anyway.