I am Dead

It's almost the end of December and I haven't written a single word. No "Merry Christmas," no "Happy New Year," nothing. It's because I stayed busy, or I ran out of things to say. Either way I'm beginning to become an actions speaks louder than words kind of guy. I've stayed silent with my activities because anything I say doesn't mean shit until I succeed. I feel disgusted even bringing it up because I haven't accomplished a god damn thing.

I recently came across someone I knew and he said jokingly "I thought you were dead." Not a very nice thing to say, but I don't blame him because he later added "everyone thinks you're dead." It's what I expected for being a recluse for the past three years. I took a risk to walk the path least taken and now the risks have become ever so apparent. In one year, most of my class will have secured their bachelors degree. In one year, some of my class will have secured $100k/year jobs. In one year, my classmates and my parents will start to question my sanity and I will still have nothing to show.

My life is beginning to look more and more depressing, but I have no regrets. It's the risk I've taken to win and there's no looking back. I can only move forward and if I die, I die. But at least I'd die a fool than a sheep.

Tomorrow's Another Day

Yeah, I remember this quote vividly when I was in another country a long time ago. Today was just horrid and unproductive so I hope tomorrow is just another day.

Just have to sit down and buckle up so tomorrow comes.

Have a listen to pass the time:

Broken

I have completely broken down. With nothing to do and nothing to say, I have nothing to look forward to. The one important person who was important to me has abandoned me and I could only say that it was my fault. My futile attempts to recover has failed and my audience has dwindled into thin air. It really looks like I will be returning to my self-destructive ways soon just waiting to die in sorrow in this sorry world. I will never become this person I hoped to be. I will never be able to recover my already weak mind. Nothing looks bright anymore, light begins to fall.

Darkness is here.

Staying The Course

My mind has ventured away into the wilderness from my once focused concentration. I must regain my focus to earn a better life. Now I must stay the course back onto the yellow brick road if I plan to succeed. I keep saying that it is do or die, but it must be true now. I must stay the course or I shall perish into the depths of the deep sea.

Time is Up

Winter is coming...

I have been busy for the past couple of months applying all my concepts and putting them into good use. I have been able to pick myself up and moved forward to a better place. The problem now is that maybe I am burnt out. I have disregarded all my friendships for better results of my academic life. I am not even sure if I could get up to a higher academic institution before getting shot down. I am just hanging on a piece of string with not much time left. I have wasted a lot of time today. I am scared of reverting back into my old self; however, I am scared that my new self might destroy what's left of me.

It is times like these that I make a post here. I already wanted to abandon this project all together, but for some reason, it is a safe haven for me. Even though nobody reads it, I am grateful that it is here. I think my time is almost up and I need to start re-evaluating my worth. I also need to get some new friends or I will always be stuck in the situation I am in now. I shall post more frequently when I have time. Thanks for reading.

Nothing To Think About

I have been deprived of friendship and many other things. However, I am trying to deal with it. I believe that it is the wrong thing to do and I should maybe embrace such acts. I need to re-examine some things and should maybe consider in bringing back more confidence. As of now, I have nothing, but tomorrow, I may have everything.

Damn

I don't know what to do and I do not know what to say. I have fucked up this year. I am not sure how to recover because I see no chance. My life is basically over because of the mistakes I made this year. It was undeniable because my fundamental concepts were weak. I have accomplished nothing but a thousand failures. However, with all these failures, I will hopefully find one success. Everything is a process and the one I have is slow. I will report further, but I have little to say. I do not want to burden you guys with shit that does not make sense. There is no real audience for this anyways so this blog is still solely for myself. I just hoped for someone to follow and see if they could actually benefit from reading. According to results, I do not think that is happening at all.

I can't believe that one year could make a huge difference. Even with two years under my belt, this one year could just screw everything over. There are no second chances. There is only one chance in life unless I get lucky. I know some of you reading may say something like "Fuck You." I agree, I should be not around anymore. I don't deserve this. I deserve nothing... It is over and I am not sure how to explain or do anything. My mind is dead...

Invisible Force

There is an invisible force that is keeping me from doing heavy work. I still do not know what it is, but it is annoying. I wish I could just tear the wall down and move on. I have wasted too much time doing nothing and should be starting. This weekend was supposed to be a time of focus, but so far it has turned into some kind of joke. I must find this invisible force and attack it down to the ground. If I do not, then I know it may be the end of me.

There is nothing much to say on this blog anymore.

Dead

There is no more time left. This is what I expected a long time ago but I didn't know it would be this bad. The institute fucked up with so many things that I don't know what will happen next year. I know that I will not be wanted anywhere so I may have to pull some strings. I wouldn't want to do that but if I have no choice, then it is my only choice.

The World Is Ending

This may be the last time I am writing on this blog. There is news that the Rapture may come tomorrow and all will be dead. I tend to believe these kinds of things as a distraction so that if it does happen, I have something to look forward to. If it is the end, then Good Bye every reader that reads this. I don't know the full story so I will check and find it out myself. I really doubt things will end, but lets just wait and see. It is already 5/21/11 in some other part of the world and there is no signs of apocalypse yet.

Good Luck and Have Fun Tomorrow, I know I will.

Everyone is Against Me

The topic title is totally true.

I have no friends nor family in this world. I am always alone. You might tell me to get off the computer and go out but trust me; I did. When I go out, I walk around seeing nothing at all. I accomplish nothing and it is worthless. I stay inside and I fail to accomplish the most simple of goals. My priorities are extremely messed up as of now. My mind has been completely disrupted with too many issues. I have many things to deal with and I am fairly certain that I could accomplish more in my own flat than my own house. This is the truth.

I have read a case study in where coffee shops seem to be a more productive place to work than home. I have to agree with some of the explanations because they seem reasonable. The pure silence at home is sometimes scary because you are alone. I usually do not work well under this condition because I know that my mind is weak. The sound of people around and just the noise help you feel that you are not alone and you have a purpose. Other reasons is that at home, you have no time limit and can finish whenever, but in the coffee shop, there is a closing time and people expect others to be working. If I started playing games in the library or coffee shop, they would be kicking me out. It would be a perfect place to get work done.

So yea, I have failed and I would like to move out of this house. I think that I could manage well by living in some cheap apartment. A small place with slow internet connection would be the best option for me. Not only would it help me focus more but it would allow me to be more independent so I could manage my time more wisely. As I always need to pay the rent, I would not waste my time reading articles but looking for jobs. This will also enable me to set goals so I could work faster and more efficiently. I would wash clothes by myself and be self-sufficient without the need of anyone.

It would be perfect.... or maybe it would lead to death...

Fuck This Day

I have failed to follow my own advice and basically destroyed myself. This advice which I told myself to always have in mind has not really failed me but today was the day I had luck on my side. Today overall is a horrible day for me because it just is. I still have a chance to make it up for whats left of it. I just hate myself now because of the mistake I made. I am not sure how much more failures will come towards my way because I have not learned from my mistakes.

Yesterday was not a good day, even on the special occasion.  My freedoms have been stripped from me and I am constantly tired. The day of the big exam has also failed me dearly causing me to lose my path to a career and job. Why do everything have to be emphasized in test scores and results? That is a question that I want to know. I am sitting here today finding out the worst possibility scenario for myself. I dug myself a hole which I will never dig myself out of.

I hope anyone reading this will take my advice and move past me so here you go...

If you have to go somewhere but did not prepare for what you have to do, just go anyways. Luck is usually on your side and you just lose the cost of one thing to gain many others.  Sorry for my grammar errors on everything, but I am extremely angry and lonely in this world.

Updating

I know it has been a long time, but I am back to updating. There is much to discuss and I do not want this blog to become dead. Like I said before, if it did become dead then I would be dead too. I wouldn't want that to happen so I am back. Since I am tired now, I will get some sleep and will update you guys in the morning.

Stopped Posting

I will be on a mini break and won't be posting for a while. There is nothing to say, but I am doing poorly. I know what to do to get back on track, but it does not seem very likely that I will. I just wish I things were different but they can not be. This site has slowed down as well, but it will go back later. I am still working on a How To GUIDE on how to beat procrastination. Like I said before, this one will be a long one because I still have some testing to do and I need to edit the article constantly. It will be a good one once I put it out there for you guys to see. I'll start posting when I feel it is right.

Bad Day? Again?

Well, today was suppose to be some kind of special day, but again it wasn't. My judgment seems to be clouded from the reality. The days of happiness are over and the time of sorrow and regret will set in soon. I think that I have to move somewhere by myself or else I would be shrouded with threats. Things have never been good for me and I was even planning to delete this blog because I have lost interest. The thing is, I haven't really lost interest. Maybe the readers have lost interest because of my repetition of writing with no progress.

Nobody ever recognizes others feelings because they oversee it or do not care. Every action taken by one will always have a counter reaction. As time days get warmer, my heart will become colder. I will only be happy when I get put to sleep or I hit the lottery. I am thinking about quitting, but maybe that is a lie. Too much confusion and misjudgment will be my downfall. My future is totally unclear and I can not slip anymore. I must regain my confidence and move forward. I will do that in the coldest way I can if I could. I need to start reviewing and get everything done. 

Things have gotten serious. If I do not start now, it will be over. Others have worked already and now it is my turn.

Chinese New Year

It's a good year and we should be happy. However it isn't, I think next year could be better though. Everyone is happy and I am the only one that isn't. Something strange is going on. My school statistics has been very poor and has been a huge shocker. I am going to die soon...

New Month

New month and new challenges awaits me. Damn, what am I talking about? My life is still in shambles and everything is just going downhill. I am believing in false prosperity and I already told myself that it didn't work. I am tricking myself and that isn't good. I wasted my time and prioritizing poorly. I just want to be left alone and be a wandering assailant or something like that. Why does everything have to be so bad? Is life always this bad? I don't think so because others seem happy. I have to raise my weapon one day and then go to sleep or something. Things aren't good.

I saw a program on the television talking about social networks. They had studies that proved my point (Comments/Pictures.) They stated that the pictures are total bullshit and that people have a tendency to believe that others are having a great time. It leads to more depression like what I said. This proves my theory that my own studies are correct. Social Networking sites are killers and should be avoided. That is what I learned and I am going to keep to that.

I haven't been saying much in this blog because there isn't much to say. I have pretty much exhausted my words and I just don't have anything interesting. Just depressing and more depressing with each post. I could fake my posts and say things are improving or I could tell the hard truth and say that life is becoming death. I have made an emergency backup plan if things fail. This backup plan will be going back to square one and I will be happy there. Anyways, this blog has been a waste and I am sorry that I wasted a lot of your time reading into this shit. I'll keep you updated though, after all a goal of this blog is to help at least one person. Please heed my warnings and look into my theories so you could maybe somehow improve and be better than me.

Repeating Patterns

It is 1am right now and things aren't going well again. Things keep looping and I am back to square one. I need to get out of this cycle and start getting some work done. I can't believe things are back to the way it was.

Deductive Reasoning

I have lost something important and I am trying my best to recover it. I have written a series of things I remember on when I saw this item. It should be helping, but there is only one problem. The problem is the transitional phases between the events. I can not figure out what happened between the events and where the object may have been during those periods of time. I also can not figure out how I remember one major event which was putting it on the floor before dozing off. It doesn't seem to make sense. Maybe that part was some kind of illusion and I never really did that. I remember doing it, so I concluded that it should be in the house, but it isn't. Something went wrong somewhere and it is my job to figure it out. There are three possibilities and I hope one of the three isn't true.

I also reported this to some people I know and as a strange response, I get a callback from a strange number. I do not pick up because I do not have a mic so I do not know who it is. I want to find out though because they may have the answers to my problem. Things are getting stranger by the minute and I need to start studying or I will fail my examination tests to pass to the next levels of life.

Daily Grind

Since I wasted the whole weekend... I basically have today to just finish up EVERYTHING. I have a lot of stuff to work on and I am not sure if I could finish everything in 11 hours. I am mad because it wasn't suppose to be like this at all. I was suppose to finish some work yesterday and the day before. Now I am screwed and just thinking how I could fix the problem before the dreaded day tomorrow. It just sucks that this always happens to me because it is HORRIBLE. I will make a follow-up post on how to deal with situations like this.

Anyways, I have another social event coming up in the following months. The social event will be for 3 days. It is much bigger than the other one (Sudden Death Pt.3). I will make a concept guide for that one too and will be applying old concepts towards it. I still think I wasted too much money on it because I just did. Things are just terrible and I will see what happens as the days pass.