Breathe

Shot by Charlie V. Antonio

I've been breathing my entire life, but I just realized how much I suck at it. Even as I type, my tense neck and shoulders keep my breaths weak and shallow. I feel like it's a bad habit leaving me dazed most of the time. When I do take a complete breath, I feel my body reawaken; but it's only temporary as my weak and shallow breaths take over quickly afterwards.

I don't really know how my breathing affects my performance, but I do know it's 2018. As the clock ticks forward, life only gets stranger. I don't know if this is just a phase that everyone goes through, but I can only imagine the emptiness that awaits. One reason for this is I may have given up on a "supposed" joy in life because it's my weakness. I learned that it may be impossible to overcome and figured it was pointless to really try because it didn't really make me happy. With the path I'm taking, I am not sure when I can really be happy. This is because my path seems to be a very difficult one that nobody recommends. Or maybe my path is simple, and I'm just terrible at it. I'm just not so sure anymore.

Writing here has been tough for me, because most of the time I don't know what to write about. My shortness of breath keeps me in a daze and probably forces me to sleep when I don't have to. Everyone is almost gone now and all I can think about is the inevitable. 

Why am I so fucked?

 I am going to force myself to take full breaths from now on and I suggest that you do the same.

My Wounds

Foto scattata in Italia.

I am seriously fucked up in the head. My life has been a perpetual cycle with no end in sight. I move one step forward and two step backwards every single time. Why does this happen? I guess it is just life.

I realized I never really moved on from my problem and after suffering again, the worst has happened. I confronted it head on and it's over. My plan was unsurprisingly wrong and it has brought back the darkness I felt back then. I realized I took a self-improvement approach last time and it blindly worked well. However, it did take its tolls. This time, I must be more clever with my approach because time is always moving faster and death is waiting by my side everyday. My new approach is more balanced. I must rely on others to help aid me instead of tackling my problem alone. I must continue to grow and improve myself to become the best I could be for myself and not for vengeance. I must take three steps forward and really forget about the past.

This really isn't easy for me, because it is an approach I never tried. I jumped into my first approach blindly and it really brought me down a slippery path that even the pros couldn't justify. I realize that this time must be different or I will really slip off that path. I also discovered that time doesn't heal an improperly treated wound. This is why this time, I was hurt even more. After all that has happened, I don't know if I will ever find anyone for me. I just got lucky the first time and luck isn't exactly my friend. I was told by a young friend to just accept and go through things as how they are and how they are meant to be.

I don't know if I can believe that, but it makes sense. Maybe fate does play a role and everything is just scripted. I just know we are all insignificant in this universe and nothing really matters. There is no point in me forcing these issues. I have bigger problems to worry about.

My Thoughts on Time

Found in Italy. Wonderful artwork by artist A. Bauesi or A. Barresi

When I was looking for a way to rid my sickness, I knew things were going south again. This wasn't the first time I was lost and it certainly won't be the last. Through my agony, I knew I was once again wasting time but didn't know to what extent. It wasn't until I started measuring time when something inside me clicked. We don't have as much time as we think we do.  

Dive in with me and see for yourself:

How much time do we have from tomorrow until the end of the year? Today is November 1st and there are 30 days left in November. Let's add the 31 days in December on to that which makes 61 days in total. We have 24 hours in a day so in total, we have 1464 hours to spend our time. Let's divide this up.

Eat - 2 hours a day * 61 days =  122 hours
Sleep - 8 hours a day * 61 days = 488 hours
Work - 5 hours a day * 61 days = 305 hours
Play - ???
Total = 915/1464 = 62.5% of our time on the essentials.
What's left = What will you do with the remaining 549 hours? Watch TV?

I came up with some conservative numbers which I think is reasonable. Your hours may be different, because everyone is different. However, the main idea is all humans are operating under this time. It is what they do with it that differentiates them from everyone else. If we extend this idea to our death, it really opens our eyes to how much time we really have. After looking at time in this manner, I understood what I really needed to do. I decided not to waste a second more because it really is finite. So the next time you do something you consider a distraction, just remember back to the calculations I made above.

I certainly will.

Focus

It's that time of year again and I still have nothing to show. I've noticed my progress slowing down, and I'm not sure if it's natural or if it's just me. I've have a feeling it's just me and I'm just letting myself down again.

I want to be the best at what I do, because I just want to prove to myself that I can. I want to be so good that it allows me to live how I want to live. It's really all I care about in life—Freedom. I'm not talking about freedom in my later years. I am talking about freedom now and forever. Every decision I make will affect me now and in the long run. It's all about making the right decisions and these days, we not only have to grind hard but grind smart.  It's not just about putting in the work anymore; It's about staying focused too.

It's not easy to be focused and if it were, everyone would be the best. I couldn't help comparing myself to others recently and I knew this was a waste of time. How the fuck can I be focused if I'm thinking of some fucker who's better than me? I need to remind myself that, there will always be someone who is better, so I can get back to working towards my dreams. I need to tell myself that it doesn't matter how others are because I can't control it. I can only control myself and that is what matters.

The moment I realize that the only thing that really matters is myself will be the moment I can finally focus.

The Eighth of November

What happens in tomorrow's election will change the future of America and will be one of the most important events in the 21st century. This election is much more than just two unpopular candidates and their gender. It is a war against globalism, corruption, and the status quo. Americans have become soft from the years of brainwashing from the corrupt media and are sick of it.

The movement began with Ron Paul and has now shifted to a man named Donald J. Trump. Like him or not, he is our last hope for real change and I can only hope enough Americans have awoken to fight the evils that lie ahead.

Dreams

"The Dream" taken in Italy

Whenever you dream, you tend to forget it as soon as you wake up unless you really put in an effort to remembering. This is how I feel right now. I just woke up and didn't even know what my dream was. I probably should have wrote it down.

My dream is over, and I have nothing and everything. What do I mean?

I have to be real with myself to keep improving so let's be real. The most crucial four years of my youth have amounted to absolutely nothing. As I mentioned, I moved backwards and may have failed. However, I did learn a lot about myself in those years and that should, probably not, count for something. I don't care if my approach was reckless because I can't change the past. The only thing I can change is tomorrow.

Reality has hit me below the belt and I have to take it. I must deal with my decisions because they are my responsibilities. It just hurts so much to be wrong and to be constantly berated on doing the things I want. Those who do berate do it in good faith, and I believe that; but only I know what's best for me. The only problem is, what the fuck do I know? I'm just a boy.

As far as my life goes, it would seem that I really have it made and I hate it. I want to make it from the bottom, but it doesn't work like that. My chances of success are much better up here so fine. I will use that to my advantage instead of being a bitch.

I'm going to have a new dream, but this time I'll write it down.

Persist

I wrote this blog for me and anyone who is crazy enough to tag along. Every post represents a snapshot of my state of mind in a particular point in time. I write whenever I need to self-reflect and I thank anyone who takes their time to read my thoughts. My only hope is that it is worth your time. It's funny, because I am only a distraction if this blog wastes your time. So I encourage anyone who find this blog a waste of time to leave for your own good. I want you to forge your own path of success and to be able to tell everyone to fuck off.

Here are for those of you who find this blog somewhat useful:

This blog is directionless like my life. It is all over the place with my pointless thoughts and rambling. There is no focus. I've been working tirelessly for the past year to better myself and everything came tumbling down this week. I don't know what it is, but my mind has just shut down and refuses to do what I want to do. The craziest thing is that whenever I think about it, I don't even know what to do. 

Is that how you are feeling now?

Well, here's my plan:

I will take a step back and evaluate my situation. I must remember what is important and work towards it. Time is a major factor and I must not waste it. I must continue to do what works and discard what doesn't. I must be persistent.

It is the only way to succeed.